Osama bin Laden, the great Arabic terrorist/messiah, depending on one's own perspective, is dead-again, depending on your perspective. If you're a young, militant Muslim, eg, you probably don't accept it. If he really is dead, you demand, where is his body? Never mind that, if you were actually shown his body, you still wouldn't believe he was really dead (but would still criticise the USA for not respecting Muslim religious belief and burying him within 24 hours of his death, so that he could enter paradise). Young, militant (which is to say "ignorant") Muslim boy-men are the opposite of the Biblical doubting Thomas; call them gullible Ishmael: you could put their fingers in the bullet holes in the forehead of Bin Laden's corpse and they'd still confidently tell you it was just one more trick from the American Satan, and that bin Laden wasn't any more dead than Jack Bauer at the end of an episode of 24, that the glorious avenging angel of Islam is alive and well and plotting another 9/11 with Allah's blessing and guidance.
But anyone who saw the footage of the cheering American crowds mindlessly chanting, "YOU-ESS-AY! YOU-ESS-AY!" outside the White House on Sunday night would know that the other side isn't any brighter. One man who lost his wife in the Twin Towers disaster of 9/11 cheerfully proclaimed that a satisfied (and presumably American/Christian version of) God was at that very moment casting bin Laden's soul into Hell; another man piously and proudly teared up to camera at the thought of the glorious and righteous execution. Rather than try to find room on either side of that ridiculous religious divide, I prefer to err on the side of God, rational thought and comedy and treat the former murderer/martyr as a neutral source of jokes; God knows we need a laugh; it's why I've always thought of and usually refer to the great man/madman as "Osama Bin Liner". I understand, of course, that his own lunatic enterprise was never anything other than lethal to the people he involved at random-but that doesn't mean that the only answer to be made to an evil that arises out of the imaginations of men who claim to speak for God is to laugh in the face of their insane pride and to reject all forms of superstition in favour of reason.
As a world citizen trying to survive between two sets of madmen, both claiming God for their side, then, I feel duty-bound to play devil's advocate and reveal the last words of Osama bin Laden, which I happened to have received from God Himself. Here's how the last words of God's angel/the devil's agent came to me: Now, as a committed, full-time, red meat sinner, I never enter a supposedly holy building unless someone I know is being married or buried (to the extent that there is any difference between those two states, for most people). But, yesterday morning, sitting in the open air near a mosque, after I had tried unsuccessfully several times to get online, an e-mail mysteriously appeared in my inbox; since there wasn't a Rituals or Starbucks nearby, the only reasonable explanation of its appearance, as any pastor or imam would tell you, is that it was sent by God Himself. I am, therefore, in sole possession of the last writing of the great murderer/martyr and will now reveal it to you. It shows exactly how seriously the whole event (or non-event) should be treated.
Here it is
Greetings.
Naturally, this letter will come to you as a surprise since we have not met. I am Osama bin Laden, a member of the Saudi Arabian Royal Family and the chairman of the Contracts Award Committee of the Royal Saudi Arabian Oil Company. I have in my possession instruments of payment for US$535M. The funds arose from over-invoicing the kingdom for service and engineering supplies contracts over a period of several years. The principals have been paid in full but I have secreted away and accumulated the excess funds into an apex account. Due to the foreign exchange control laws of my country, however, the funds must be applied for release by a foreign corporation or person.
This is why I require your assistance in transferring the funds to a country where they can then be freely dispersed, such as yours. Upon receipt of your e-mail and confirmation of your transferal of the clearance fees, which, again, must come from outside my country, I will transfer all the money to your bank account. You will keep 25 per cent and deposit the remaining 75 per cent into an account at your bank you will open in my name. I shall require your name, full address, bank account number and complete particulars of your sort codes and passwords. Please treat this e-mail as STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL as I would be put at risk of imprisonment or even death if it were to be discovered I was trying to secretly remove this vast illegal fortune from Nigeria, sorry, I mean Saudi Arabia. Please wire immediately to the bank account number 1234567 @ Pakistan National Bank, Islamabad, the sum of US$500 for clearance fees. Please remember to act with utmost secrecy.
God Bless
Osama
BC Pires is an infidel heretic conman with the Guardian. Read more of his writing at www.BCraw.com