Kevin Baldeosingh
Now that the Presbyterian Church has decided to take no action against the teacher at the Naparima Boys College who threatened to shoot a gay student and his atheist parents, who are neither gay nor atheist, the church's school board will have to issue a directive to all its schools on the proper way to treat with such situations.
I am offering my services to the Church to write this directive, because I am a professional writer, my family background is nominally Presbyterian, and, most importantly, I am always looking to make an extra buck. So, as a token of good faith, I offer the following draft document.
Introduction: Our Presbyterian schools have a long tradition of academic excellence and women who don't have sex before marriage, but recent events have highlighted the new challenges facing us in the 21st century. Bear in mind, however, that such travails are hardly new to our Church for, as the Reverend John Morton who came here in 1868 to convert the Hindus, wrote: "Brahma was a liar, Vishnu an adulterer, Siva a drunkard, Krishna shameless and even Ramchandra, one of the best, violent and murderous, while the character of Christ is our strong point."
This was the heavy ancestral burden that our first teachers had to overcome when treating with their heathen students, and the mandate for today's teachers is even more difficult since there are atheist students who don't even believe in the false gods of the Hindus, Muslims and Kalinagos. However, there is a right way and a wrong way to deal with these wayward youths, even though as Christians we are always right. The board mandates that teachers adhere to the following guidelines when dealing with errant students, whether they are homosexuals, illegitimate, atheists, or good-looking.
Although it is true that the Bible condemns homosexuality, it is inadvisable for a teacher to murder a gay student. While such a homicide would no doubt be treated leniently by any court in the land, the board is strongly against the murder of gay students, for this would deprive other students of the kind of role model sorely needed in these end-times.
Teachers should also bear in mind that it is difficult to identify students who are gay or not gay, especially with those hairstyles. However, as the present Moderator of the Synod Annabell Lalla-Ramkelawan stated last year, "If we understand the way we are, maybe we can give them that love and probably help them come out of it" and the Board agrees that coming out of love is always good.
So if a boy displays clear signs of homosexuality, the teacher should encourage him to play a sport, watch all Fast & Furious movies, and spit in public. If this doesn't work, the teacher should follow the Biblical principle of stopping sodomy by offering the boy her two virgin daughters, like Lot does in Genesis 19:6-9. If, however, the teacher's daughters are not virgins, that's even better.
If all this fails, the teacher can follow the advice of Reverend Roy Neehall who in the Trinidad Presbyterian newsletter in 1959 wrote: "Most of our schools are weak excuses today for Church-schools anyway, and will continue to be unless we adopt the uncompromising stand of such a body as the Roman Catholic Church." This is useful advice, since the uncompromising stand of Catholic priests certainly helped thousands of boys to hate homosexuality.
Atheist aids: Our schools face a paradox: while we want to produce bright scholarship-winning students, bright people are more likely to be unbelievers than less educated people. It is true that nearly every student who tops the Secondary Entrance Assessment (SEA) examination thanks God but, by the time they graduate from university, they no longer call His name save when having an orgasm. Clearly, then, we must keep our bright students at a mental age of 11 or 12 or socialism. This can be accomplished in several ways, such as licks, listening to Parliamentary speeches, or reading feminist literature.
Basically, the Board still wants to ensure that our students do well enough in their exams to go university but without developing any love for fact, logic, and BDSM. We must therefore promote appropriate intellectual role models, such as UWI lecturer Noel Kalicharan, radio talkshow host Ralph Maraj, and Francis the Talking Mule.
