Tricia St John
Exes ... existing examples of what not to do a second time.
Out of the blue, my ex messaged me and got straight to the point. No ‘Hi’ or ‘How is life?’. Not even a ‘How are you?’ What he did say is that he had seen me in and around the office where he worked, automatically assumed that I was asking about him, and if there was anything I needed to say. Clearly, I am not allowed to have friends and the mere fact that I was outside the office, never mind I was talking to another man, meant I was pining away for him and, by my presence, needed to say so.
Ignoring the fact that we worked for the same company, just being at any one of our district offices could easily mean that I was dropping off or picking up a package, reassigned, or, as I was doing, checking on a friend. I contemplated my response because every time we resumed speaking, we ended up in compromising positions, and I needed, if even just for the sake of my self-worth, for that to become the road less travelled.
My ex is a big guy. Taller than my six feet, one inch at least by three or four inches. As you can imagine, our hugs were heavenly and gave me the safest feeling ever. He was gentle with me, soft-spoken, made time for me, and fed me (which we all can agree is very important), but truth be told, those attributes are not enough to build a relationship. Some men can be such annoying creatures. All the time when I had a million things to say, he refused to listen, but at this eleventh hour, he was suddenly interested in listening. Really? He couldn’t possibly be serious about life!
Sometimes we hold on to people who were not meant to be in our lives, and the reasons we give ourselves are valid ones, but that doesn’t make them beneficial to our well-being. Going back and forth with your ex usually does not yield positive results and is a toxic situation. I spent a year being sad, crying, missing my ex, messaging, and being the perfect nuisance. He responded to every message. Positively for the most part, but that’s just like false hope and did me no good.
In actuality, he was just bored, single, or testing the theory of whether or not he could have access whenever he wanted. The last time we spoke was in December and I decided that I was not going to message again because it finally stopped making any kind of sense, all that going around in circles.
Finally, I responded to him by saying that I had gotten his initial message loud and clear, amplified by his behaviour so no, I had not been trying to get him because I had absolutely nothing to say. I proceeded to delete our chat which dated back to the very first time we spoke, and then I deleted his number. His pictures went next, alongside the videos he’d sent, so that way I would have nothing to look back at and reminisce. Nothing to pull at my heartstrings and make me want to say ‘Hi’ or ‘I miss you’ or some such nonsense I shouldn’t be saying. Sometimes after a breakup, if positive feelings towards our ex are still there, we tend to miss the connection, and sometimes we convince ourselves that we shouldn’t have broken up, even when it’s them that instigated the initial separation. Doing this is an example of relying on one’s emotions rather than rational deliberation and may land us right back in a place that isn’t good for us and often times a place where we know we shouldn’t be.
So, when I say ignore your ex, I do not mean pretend they never existed but rather, recognise you deserve better. Spending time chasing your ex makes it clear to them that they hold all the cards. Leaving the choice to make up with you or not in their hands leaves you at their whim, and they will, most likely, take you for granted. Letting go does not mean that you will not find something/someone else. People panic at the idea of saying goodbye to their ex because they don’t feel confident that another love will come into their life. This is very common, and if you’re feeling this way too, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Giving up on an ex is just that, and does not require you to give up on love. Instead, understand the different nuances of your identity, and show yourself a higher level of care. I guarantee ignoring your ex will become the best thing you do for yourself.
Tricia St John is an author, motivational speaker and domestic violence survivor.