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Essaying an SEA Thing
Two Fridays ago, in sympathy with the children who, three Tuesdays ago, sat the Secondary Entrance Assessment examination, I began an SEA sample test. (I’ve been doing the SEA “in the papers” since 1990, I think, and failing it “study,” as they say in the schools for which I seem bound.) I did miserably in the mathematics on April 1, then, last Friday, messed up the “Language Arts” (but, then, I do lack whatever language art is necessary to understand why it’s not called simply “English”). Today I take my last shot at getting into Fatima via the essay. Since there would be no challenge in writing a children’s essay for a grownup who has been paid to do it every Friday for decades, I usually make it harder by com-bining all the topics. I propose to do that again today; but I have not, this year, been able to find out what all the essay questions were. It is easier to get President Obama’s original birth certificate, blueprints of Japanese nuclear reactors or sense out of Mr Panday than the current year’s SEA essay questions.
The Ministry of Education informed a Trinidadian journalist, who rang on my behalf (to save me the cost of the phone call from Barbados, and to save them the cussing I would surely have put on them), that the questions will not be released until after the make-up exam in June for kids who were sick on the exam day; the ministry is deeply worried that any such child stupid enough not to ask the child sitting at the same desk in class for the last three weeks, or any of the other 40 or 80 children in their year, what the essay questions were, might compensate for that stupidity by being clairvoyant enough to foresee I was going to mention the essay topics today; and would rush out at recess this morning and buy a Guardian instead of a sno-cone, just to get unfairly prepared for that make-up exam two months from now; which will apparently be identical to the one done three weeks ago; which raises the real question whether there is enough intelligence within its walls for the Ministry of Education itself to pass the SEA.
With the help of Facebook, though, I found two of the topics within deadline. 1. Your principal disagrees with cell phones in schools. Write a letter saying why you agree or disagree; and 2. You want a park in your community. Write a letter to the person in charge requesting one. All the questions this year were, I am told, in the form of letters to be written; which gives me my own third essay topic, which I have had perforce to invent: 3. Your Ministry of Education has eliminated from the SEA any narrative or descriptive skill by requiring every essay to take the form of a letter. Write telling them what you think of their idiocy. To make it even more difficult/ fun for myself, I will adopt, for my three-in-one letter, the tone of a hip young txt-happy student from a decidedly un-prestige secondary school, where I am surely headed, based on my own 51-Plus exam of the last three weeks. So.
Dear Sir or Madam or My Damn Fool at the Minus 3 of Education or Which Ever Odder Minutes 3 in Charge of Putting Een A Savannah
Watch nuh, cellphone r gr8, dough study the principle, he running one-them old school Nokia, even doe I did well try to sell he a unlock Iphone cheep cheep cheep, with music on it ready lol. Sellphone bong to be good becaw which part ells except cellphone it have spell cheque for nig--z including them Hindu nig--z-say-yeah-say-whoa-yeah to core wreck they spell in? Ent it that make cellphone eddy cay shun all? Well, then! Why 4 U wants them outer school? Ent it was the Duck self, the Fadder of the Nay-shun, who did say the few cha of the nay shun in the chill run school bag-them? Well, eef it ent have nothing wrng w/ cellphone, eef cellphone r nut gr8 in troot, why all-you bodder ring we? Hear nuh, we mudder and fadder does wuk hard and then them does go in the clob and chillax and dozen reach home till l8r. So we need we cellphone becaw is the few cha of the bookbag, unstan? U wants we hide we cellphone in the drain in the savannah like we laptup so them bigger gantsta sorry chill run dozen thief it?
And dais a next thing self: watch, nuh, it ent have no savannah home by we day and wise that? Wise that? Is axing I axing and is anser I want. ! Y we cant’ have no savannah? Poe ppl chill-run mustnt’ kick ball? Eef it ent have no backset ball court that ent nut tin becaw we could always run the hoops on the paint, not so, and Chally lil brudder have a PSP, but w/o a savannah, which part it have to kick ball? And eef ppl tie cow day, that good, becaw man-your good for the envioment same way like govverment say ppl must re speck envioment. What make the whole thing even more worseerer, dough, is is the Minus 3 self whey axe we 3 question whereby it have letter to write. Is like them dozen unstan summer we dozen cant’ write letter, we doze write script shun more better.
So is 3 thing we wants from all-you, 1, give we back we cellphone 2! Give we a savannah whereby to hide it eef you dozen wants it in school, and 3! We wants a day at the beach or the cricket match or whats about An Unexpected Sir Prize becaw some of we ent such smart nig--z-say-whoa-yeah-say-back-up-that-ass-say-whoa-yeah, ex specially them fronting white boys, them more ghetto in Fare Weighs than all of we put together in Maloney. So run it fas and dont’ make we axe for ran sum too besides.
Urs trly, I’s Jet Li
A Stew Dent w/ a cellphone
In Pry Merry School
But hoping for QRC!
n BC Pires is a three-time
looser. Read more of his
writing at www.BCraw.com
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