Last week, all the local papers—even the ones Minister of National Security & Personal Insecurity Jack Warner might be contemplating buying—ran news stories “covering” US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s message on the auspicious occasion of the 50th anniversary of our suspicious Independence. I’ll be imitating parts of it here, shortly, for my own purposes (ie, comedy) but the overeager way in which our papers latched on to what we used to call a “form letter” back in the bad old days when self-appraisal mattered more than self-esteem, made me realise there had to be more cables of congratulation from other world figures that our papers missed: a nation as important as Trinidad and Tobago, with a Cabinet of 35 ministers and one backbencher, had to have gained far more world notice than one measly standard form e-mail automatically sent from the US Secretary of State’s Facebook page. So I went looking for these meaningful meaningless messages in the void, like Diogenes looking for an honest man or President ANR Robinson looking for a prime minister, except without a lantern in daylight or spiritual, moral and Negro values to guide me.
However, unlike some of our former Trinidad prime ministers and West Indies cricket captains (no names), I can’t afford to dip into either my own or the state’s pockets to pay for first-class airline tickets. So, where Patrick Manninng had the (in)famous Ms Pena and Richie Richardson had a personal Pentecostal pastor, a kind of Sony PreacherMan, I have to rely on my channelling capability. (You know “channelling”, yes? It involves a lot of pretending to be in direct contact with the spirit world on your part and a lot of gullibility on your audience’s part.) Below, then, you will find some of the missing congratulatory cables the papers didn’t print last week. I can certify them all as being 100 per cent authentic because I channelled/made them up myself. I have copied the style of the “official” ones from the text of Secretary Clinton’s message; the first message, though, is from an old friend of one of the leading figures of the People’s Partnership for Draining the Treasury for Personal Gain; and some are addressed to particular persons.
Dear Trinidad and Tobago
Thanks ever so much for lasting for 50 years and, more importantly, for your new Minister of National Security. It augurs well for the sales of my upcoming new book, which is titled to cash in on the success of my earlier book, Foul, my expose of FIFA corruption. Please place your orders early for Fowl Play Suspected: The Secrete World of the TT Government; and, yes, “secrete” is correctly spelled.
Getting Richer on Poor T&T
From the Timeline of Kim Jong-Un (Twitter hashtag @4Korea)
On behalf noble pipples of Koreeeeyah! I am delight send best wish pipples Trinidadbago as you celebrate 50 years glorious struggle against imperialist forces. Our two nations share long history of friendship and sacrifice of entire nation for lavish lifestyle of whichever clown take over palace. Like us, your ruling family/ethnic group eat-ah-pheasant-under-glass and everybody else eat rice in plastic bowl (broken). Trinibagodad not as important world-power nation as Koreeeeeeyah! But I am delight say we send you nuclear weapon. Really make you big shot in small Caribbean pond. Only problem: keep dictator of country in family. Could send a son with bomb. L8r.
Dear Trinidaddy & Tobago Mummy
When I was Minister of Health, the doctors hated me but I had my You Rope He Een husband and that was all I needed to put them on notice. Hello! Where is your sick certificate? I fire all they work and Kamla had was to post me far away where I couldn’t do no damage. Well, gyrate on that and call it Happy 150th Anniversary of Baptism, it was always ascendant on my character, a little fit of this, a bigger fit of that, just enough not to get fat chance of me getting a state work again.
Early Retirement via
Dear Ms Persad-Persad
Your country is the most important in the world, after the USA, of which I am president. I mean that. I am up for re-election in November, you see, and am worried about how I could possibly face my electorate. I was swept into office on a tidal wave of hope for positive change, buoyed on a sea of love and adulation, with everyone genuinely expecting I would make a huge difference. And I firetrucked it up and probably actually made it worse and disillusioned all the people who supported me. So, since you did the exact same thing, tell me, quickly, please: what’s your re-election plan? And can I make a borrow? (I was advised to make a slight change in my name to make me more easily noticed and warmly recognised in Trinidad-Tobrago.)
The Oh Say Can You See Re-election for Me Office
White Elephant House
Dear Tree Knee Dad & Too Bag Oh
Eet geeve me great plesh-shah to come to de celebration of your 50 years of Een De Pen Dance from Eeng Land or Eman-cee-pation from de white man or what-evah. We have moch een common. Both our corn trees are very ree-lidge-ass. We both love God plenty and neither of we care noth-eeng about wheech-evah tribe lose de election. And, when the energy money run out, we both firetrucked same way.
Jonathan Goodluck With That
Ni Geeree Ah
A Bettah Corn Tree by Two Years