Citizens are reeling from National Security Minister Austin “Hijack Them Murder Stats” Warner’s announcement on Monday that he had “instructed the police not to reveal any figures (for) murders, anywhere, anytime” but said shell-shocked citizens don’t realise that Jack’s appallingly illegal, entirely gratuitous declaration could have been far worse. First, the Most High Jack might not have troubled himself to issue Wednesday’s “corrective” statement at all, which, as illogical and incoherent as it was, was at least clearly intended to make Monday’s statement seem less bad.
And, second, people don’t know the original version of the statement Jack wanted to make on Monday was much worse. I have obtained classified inside memos exchanged between Hi-and-Soon-Bye Jack and PM Kamla P-B, which show how Kamla subdued Jack, relatively speaking. The memos are shocking. Camini Marajh or Denyse Renne would have page one “investigative journalism” stories from them; in my case, it’s relegated to this page and is called “imaginative journalism”.
I often make up wild crap and attribute it to local politicians and public figures in the form of letters or memos, especially when the Trinidadian reality veers so closely to readymade comedy. It’s a clear breach of my journalistic duty, and a drastically unfair and disrespectful treatment of our leaders, to ridicule them for your amusement but, in my defence, I put forward two things: one, they almost always provoke me with some wild crap of their own first (cf, Jack’s instructions to police this week); and two, my wild versions are often tamer than the reality we find out about later.
Before turning to the memos, I’ll translate some of Jack’s “corrective” statement, which English speakers might not have understood. I’ll italicise Jack’s words and follow them with a plain font translation in brackets.
Jack’s Corrective Statement on Wednesday (BC’s Correct Explanation on Friday). The statement was inferred to a select few front line opposition MPs. (I wasn’t trying to make fools of the whole nation, just the PNM parts of it. In fact, I didn’t actually “say” anything, only “inferred” it, although no one can “infer” a statement. Don’t mind if it don’t make sense, I just want people to think my words were twisted, although they weren’t.)
I am incensed when I hear of “but one murder” (I was talking shite because I was righteously indignant over the murders I want to hush up.) Let us not use this as a political football. (All yuh, don’t kick me up, nuh.) The intent of this measure is to seek to ensure that crime statistics are not sensationalised thereby acting as a domino effect in certain hot spot areas. (I have instructed the police not to reveal any murder figures, anywhere, anytime.) The issue is not about withholding statistics. (The issue is plainly about withholding statistics.) This is a recipe for unnecessarily inflamed tensions. (You can tell I done lost the argument because I resorting to race.)
Therefore my statement was earmarked to avoid unnecessary murders and not in any way a means of muzzling the freedom of information, and I apologise if it may have been taken out of context. (Oh Gorm, all yuh, is me, Jack, all you cyar help out Y’Boy and pretend I was partially misquoted instead of full of crap? And I real sorry if I was taken out of context and you all are not as stupid as I thought you were.) Here, now, are the highly secret memos between Jack and Kamla that I made up. They show how Jack’s original intention was watered down, by an astute Kamla, from the scandalous to the merely outrageous.
Jack: Kams, I have, of course, a good idea, of course. I got it on a plane to Zurich...no, wait, I mean a plane to Tobago, I forget I doesn’t travel to real countries again since my FIFA mark buss. But I uses to always get my best ideas on planes. Is maybe why I don’t have so many any more. I thought up legalising PH cars in the toilet. Anyway, just like how I was suggesting we bring back hanging, why we don’t bring back slavery? Of course, there would, of course, be objections, of course. But study the benefits: no trials for anybody. Instant justice. And we could really put the country back to work. J.
Kamla: Dearest Jack, what a wonderful idea! But it might be a tad impractical. How would we decide who would be slaves and who, masters? KP-B. Jack: Kams, hmmm. Okay, suppose we just enslave the journalists, then? They already work for slave wages, apart from the ones we hire to eat lunch with us, so most of them mightn’t even notice. And nobody would defend them waste-down so-and-so, I bet I bite out Andrew Jennings’ neck! A “J” W.
Kamla: Sweet, sweet Jack, your most brilliant suggestion yet. But wouldn’t enslaved journalists work even harder? K. Jack: Kams, you right. What about this, then, we take away their right to report the news. Why they have that right, anyway? Nobody could go to the World Cup unless I say so. I am the boss of this plantation. Whip whoever make noise! J. Kamla: Jack, you have to let go of this neo-slavery thing. It not going to work. K.
Jack: Kams, all right, I have a good idea, but let me not bother you with it. But, when I make the announcement on Monday, just look in your pocket and see what you have to back me up. Not the top pocket, where you does keep surprise public holidays, but the back pocket, where that clown used to keep the election date. I going to say something Monday and, when you address the nation later, check and see if you don’t have a State of Emergency Part II in your handbag. Jack.
BC Pires is heading towards becoming a suppressed statistic under a back pocket surprise.