The Book of Sno Cone

Last November, I began an ongoing occasional series: a summation of the Bible by a semi-employed fella in a string vest and boxer shorts-exposing three-quarter pants, sitting on a railing in Port-of-Spain with a 25-cent piece in either ear: a man about our town.

It was as much fun for me to summarise books one and two of Genesis as it was sacrilege for Pentecostal pastors to read, I imagine, but, I haven’t returned to it for nearly a year because Trinidad’s own book of political misfortunes, misdeeds and miscreants kept me away from the task God gave me (“God” being a tess named Godfrey, my imaginary uncle, who lives inside my head and gives me inspiration; perhaps not so different from the God of Adam).

So God the Uncle has directed me to return to His work today because of the number of American believers/morons who posted on Facebook that Hurricane Sandy was God’s vengeance on the “liberal” eastern seaboard.

(Only a dotish American God would send a hurricane to the wrong coast—surely California deserves more pestilence than Rhode Island—and then reduce His own wrath from hurricane to tropical-storm levels immediately before causing it to make landfall, ending up smiting the Earth with a kind of almighty vengeance lite).

I’m doing a summation because the Bible contains far too much meaningless rubbish to translate it all; God alone knows why there are so many biblical verses on the drapes to be hung on altars, but it does tend to explain our Christmastime obsession with new curtains, and the everlasting Middle-Eastern preoccupation with textiles.

I chose the King James Version to sum up, because, as all good Christians fervently believe, the holy, immortal, eternal Word of God was standardised in 1611 by a probably homosexual English monarch more than 1,500 years after God troubled Himself to first give it.

Like all good series, such as CBS’ Survivor, I’ll begin with a quick recap and end with a preview:

The Second Bit of the First Book of BC, called Kenrick
The Book of Sno Cone, called Georgie
(A Summation of Chapter 3 of the Book of Genesis)

Last day, God did pelt out Adam and Eve from the garden and did rest a flaming sword by the gate, should in case they sneak back een, is only fire in they caca-hole, more worser than a bad doubles. And so everything did stop. And it had snake in the balisier, and the snake ease een dey by Eve and do a little rude thing with he tongue and tell she, “Hear, nuh, you study why God say not to eat the red thing like the cork ball?

Is becaw you two eye will open and you go bowl He out, and run thing for y’self!” And Eve study the apple, becaw that is what Adam name it, becaw Adam did have the work of naming thing, though don’t axe me why he could look at what we does call tatou and name it “armoured-dildo” —I tell all you, God have a serious penis fixation, he only want to cut ‘way man foreskin every two minutes.

And Eve did well put a bite on the apple, and give Adam piece. And that send God in a tizzic, becaw one thing God can’t stand is woman giving man piece of what He say must be left untouch. Axe any pastor. ‘Cepting them ones who does only do Bible study after church with them hot little gyul, like them youth-man can’t find God at all-at all, ‘less they makes a jail.

And Adam and Eve put some licks on the apple, bus’ it up like paratha, massacre it like it have no redemption, and then they did see for the first time that them was naked. And Adam watch Eve good and then he tell she, “Watch, nuh, gyul, you best stand back, me ent have no idea how big this thing does get,” and Eve run and hide quick-quick. She ‘fraid Karl.

And then God bawl out, loud-loud-loud, like a Trinidad cabinet minister who do something criminal and like the more louder he shout the more innocent he think you will think he is, “Wh’appen, Adam? Where you is, Eve? Is me, Gord!” And Eve start to stick and she say, “Is the snake shake he tongue, and I did eat.”

And God tell the snake, “Because thou has done this, thou art cursed and upon thy belly shalt thou go all thy life.” And the snake steups and say, “And what you thing I was going upon before you curse me, if not the same firetrucking belly? You might as well punish giraffe by giving she long neck!”

And God tell the snake, “Woman will mash yuh head, yuh dorg!” And the snake say, “You confuse. I is serpent. Look dog over there between T Rex and rubbish bin.” And God tell Eve, “In sorrow shalt thou bring forth children, ‘cepting in China, where they does only have one child.”

And God tell Adam, “Because thou has hearkened unto the voice of they wife, in sorrow thou shalt eat of it.” And Adam say, “Not me and that stinkness at all, me ent singing in that party, breds!” And God say, “Dust thou art, and unto dust shall thou return.”

And Adam and Eve had was to dust it from the garden and ride out to the lagoon, which part it had mosquito. And the Lord God did clothed them, which any bredren in Brooklyn would tell you is what any rag-trade Jew would do, and everywhere they two foot fall, it had thorns also and thistles, which is pricker, becaw of the apple, nuh. And Eve giving Adam piece. Next day, it go seriously be killing Abel how Adam and Eve raising Cain.

BC Pires will have Hell to pay, but at least Godfrey didn’t send him to summarise the Koran.