The Book of Noah—The Book of Kenrick Part IV

In November 2011, I began a summation of the Bible written in the voice of a man about our town, one of those tesses who never have more cash than a 25-cent piece in either ear, but who always have a front-row seat in every expensive show and the latest designer threads you could buy.  

I have been called to do this unholy work by my Uncle Godfrey, or God the Uncle. So far, in three previous columns, Kenrick and I have written summaries of chapters one and two of Genesis, chapter three (the Book of Sno Cone, Called Georgie) and, most recently, chapter four, the Book of Kick-Up, called Wang Yu. 

Today, I return to my Uncle’s work, in keeping with my New Year’s resolution to translate one book of the Bible a month, and in the hope that, by Old Year’s night, I would have summed up enough of the Bible to start my own religion and be worshipped by millions, like Ashton Kutcher, or at least start my own church, and collect ten per cent of my believers’ wages.

I’m doing a summation, not a translation, because the Bible contains far too much meaningless crap to translate it all; today’s first chapter, eg, is made up almost entirely of begatting, and chapter six wastes several verses on precise measurements for the ark (although that does help us to see why God’s future son, Jesus, will have a knack for carpentry). 

I chose the King James version out of many because, as every Pentecostal knows, the sacred Word of God was standardised by a probably homosexual English monarch more than 1,500 years after God first gave it.  As our story ended last day, it was killing Abel how Adam and Eve had raised Cain.

The Fourth Bit of the First Book of BC, called Kenrick

The Book of Main Road, called Flood

(A Summation of Chapter Five and Six of the Book of Genesis)

This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day whereby God did create man, in the likeness of God, made he male and female, and called their name Adam, which kinda show you where misogyny start. 

And Adam live 130 years, which is how long Trinidad have to wait again for a good political party to run it, and one setta people begat and begat and begat, Enos, Seth, Cainan, which is no family to caiman, which is family to crocodile, but does eat more better. And is only Methuselah who does really stand out, and only becaw of all them snake in he head, until Noah, and then chapter five begat chapter six.

And men start to breed they wife in a rage, and multiply on the face of the Earth, and subtract on the wall of the caves, and nobody ent really adding up to nothing. And it come to pass that God say he going and pass out mankind. True, Dread. God watch mankind wickedness was great in the earth and God see is how mankind only studying Internet porn and playing that dotish game, Farmville, on Facebook. And it repent the Lord that he make man. “Buh wah de moddah....” God say, to Heself. “Is why I really make this pack of firetrucking jokers?” And it well grieve God in He heart. And God doesn’t eat nice when he’ heart grieving. Neither he back giving him trouble. Nor Mrs God ent run piece for He in a while; that Old Testament God does get bite up real fast.

And the Lord say, I will destroy mankind who is me-self make, both man, and beast, and creeping thing, and fowls of the air and snake in the grass and all them other politician. Excepting Noah, which God study to give a bligh. 

And the earth was corrupt before God, and was fill with more violence than Sea Lots on a long weekend. And God say, Noah, the end of all flesh is come before me. All-you, don’t watch me firetrucking slight, you hear? I going and lick-up everybody mother-a--. Make thee an ark of gopher wood, which come like a pirogue, except bigger, and it ent have no fibreglass yet, so pitch it with pitch, within and without with pitch—God really say that, eh, becaw Noah was living in the desert and you ever see a man in a desert build a boat? 

Well, that prove is God; although them fellas in the Grenadines mighta do a better boat. And God tell Noah the ark must be so much cubits by so much cubits, and the window have to go high up, and it must have three deck, becaw God did well know he sending Noah on a cruise in truth.

And God tell Noah he going and bring flood in the whole world, which must be show how God doesn’t like corruption, which must be explain why Trinidad getting flood every ten minutes. 

And God tell Noah he was making a arc of the convent with him, which mean he was going and fix up Noah with some Holy Name gyul. And Noah had was to bring two of everything inside the ark, male and female of every fowl, cattle, cockroach and all, and bring food for everybody, too, excepting God did leave Noah to figure out for heself whether to bring more than two rat, becaw you know rat is food to owl, and the whole animal kingdom stay so.

Thus did Noah, according to all that God command him, becaw was a serious thing, a arc in St Joseph Convent, y’un’stand? 

Except Noah, that clown, firetruck up the work and kill off the most important life on the planet, which was begatting theyself side-by-side with man; or else Noah must be did have to choose between letting all them other animal die becaw it didn’t have food for them, or scrambling them two massive T-Rex egg, them two pterodactyl egg, them two brontosaurus egg and swan and swan. 

BC Pires will have Hell to pay, but at least Godfrey didn’t send him to summarise the Koran.