God Damn Humanists

Like any decent, virtuous human being, I was morally outraged last Monday when Kevin Baldeosingh, of the T&T Humanist Association, told the consultation on constitutional reform that all references to God should be removed from our Constitution. The devil alone knows how an avowed atheist had the gall to spout such sacrilege at a meeting that was probably started with a prayer!

Any believer could tell you that, by God’s grace, the Constitution of T&T, because it says it is based on God, is transformed miraculously into a holy document, not merely a legal one, and is, therefore, sacred to and protected by the fervent holy belief of Catholics (and the lesser Christians), Hindus, Muslims, Pentecostals and Shouter and also Quiet Baptists. Touch God in our Constitution, Mr Humanist, and you pick a fight with every believer in T&T.

Except for the Rastas. God has plainly revealed that Rastafari is a false religion by three separate proofs (father, son and holy ghost—you see?). First, Rastafari has no pile of money, as every proper religion does. Second, it has no celebrity believer like Scientology has Tom Cruise, Moronism, sorry, Mormonism, has Mitt Romney and Catholicism has the pope. Third, Rastafarians actually believe the emperor of Ethiopia in the 1970s was God incarnate on Earth, which is utter rubbish since we all know that was really a Jewish carpenter born exactly 2,013 years, two months and eight days ago, in a cow pen, and a merchant whose marriage was blessed by God, was his prophet, peace be unto his name. (Did you ever hear anyone say, “Jah, peas be unto his ital”? Well, then!)

To take God out of the Constitution would be to take the fat out of fatuous, especially with the murder rate skyrocketing! God is the basis of everything because God made everything. Think of something—a yellow, ring-tailed albatross sheep—and God has made it already (it probably just doesn’t exist now because Noah didn’t take two on the Ark, like how he forgot the dinosaur eggs). God made everything, by himself, out of nothing, or, occasionally, a handful of dirt, and God gives life to every single thing in the universe, every blade of grass and every butterfly wing, and every lump of faecal matter, too, and every pustule and festering sore, every tapeworm and necrotising virus was made, and is kept, by God. 

How could we take a God like that out of the Constitution! But you have to forgive small-minded humanist dunces because they do not understand that God is bigger than the biggest thing the person with the best imagination can imagine in a big, big, big-big-big-big way! Watch humanists’ feeble minds buss trying to grasp the concept of eternity and then tell them God is bigger than eternity and God is bigger than a breadbox because God himself made eternity! The Chinese made the breadbox, but that is all right, because God made the Chinese, too. God made everyone and everything that ever lived. 

Except the homosexuals. 
God didn’t make homosexuals because God hates homosexuals in his very marrow, that he himself made, his own marrow, because God made God, and God didn’t make any nastiness like homos, although most God-fearing men don’t object so strenuously to lesbians, except if they get horn by one. And that is yet another God-given reason to keep God in our holy Constitution: because, eef we only takes out God, the homos might slip een! And we cannot risk that. Not because anyone who shouts down homos doesn’t realise it is better to be blatant than latent, and not because we are secretly afraid we might catch sodomy, but because God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Could there be a stronger argument? 

The only thing that God hates more than homosexuals is monkeys. Humanists tell you they believe they are descended from monkeys, so you know they are idiots. Humanists rely on the proven findings of science, the fossil record, the precise dating of mountains and glaciers and libraries full of research; believers have holy books. Which can you trust? Further, to take God out of the Constitution would be to legalise every criminal act known to mankind, because all law and all morality and every aspect of decent human behaviour could not exist without the Bible. Before Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments dictated on to two gravestones by a burning bush, we had no idea what was wrong and what was right. People used to murder their parents and think they were eating doubles with slight pepper until, luckily for us, God made the Jewish chadon beni declare, “Thou shalt not kill.” Only then did morality enter mankind’s minds. You want to risk a free-for-all? Because that is the choice: either you don’t eat shellfish and don’t send your daughters to school, as God instructs, or you let in wanton criminality. Take your pick. I know I’m standing at God’s right hand.

Now I myself was a founding member of the same goddamned godless Humanist Association and have declared my own agnosticism in this very space but today’s TGIF is easily explained: it was a miracle. God appeared to me as a burning spliff and told me to set down, exactly as they make them, all his believers’ reasons for going against reason, science and plain old common sense.
And God knows I’m not man enough to deny him.

BC Pires is PRO of the T&T Flat Earth Society. E-mail your road maps to Damascus to him at [email protected]