Dearest Sherva,
Last Sunday was exactly 15 years since you made that mandatory transition we all must face, and just as when you underwent that rite of passage I am still asking the good Lord to explain to me why he took you away from all your loved ones so unexpectedly.At that time I was chastised by many who felt that I should not question Him because "He knows best," and with time, the pain of losing you would heal.But how long is long?
There is no prescribed period of time for people to grieve and there are some whose lives are prematurely cut off because of the pain of the loss of someone very close to them.For a parent the emotional assault is more deeply felt, as a child is not supposed to predecease their parents, and since your departure I have been quietly around, asking parents who suffered a similar fate how were they dealing with such an emotional blow.
Most of them speak of trusting in the Creator to give them that inner strength to handle their grief.But I have also been told by several other similarly affected parents that they wished they had never had children if they had only known they would leave before they, the parents, did.
Although I am not a devout Christian and even though I have faith in the existence of a Supreme Being I am forced, whenever I think of you, which is every day, to angrily question why He chose you to be in His garden. Ironically the only person who told me that I was right to seek this answer was the Rev Cyril Paul, a very special friend of our family who left us more than a year ago.
Although it is an undisputed fact that we all have to leave this earthly life it is never an easy proposition for almost any of us to accept. The only thing guaranteed in life is death. Nothing else.There are so many memories of you, Sherva, that I will always cherish, and one that stands out is what you told me one year before you departed this life.
I remember you telling me that you were getting married the year after we last met at the place you resided in Long Island, and that you were not too particular for me to attend, but that I had to be there when you were having your first baby, which you had planned for the year after you were to marry.
You know, well, I shouldn't say that but I dreamt of you only on two occasions in the last 15 years and on each occasion you were in the form of an angel, flying low over a nice flower garden telling me, "Daddy, do not worry, everything is okay with me."Even so, I am still to come to terms with your passing and whenever I see a Providence Girls' School student in her uniform I am wracked with emotion, so I make it my business to avoid having to pass outside your Belmont-based alma mater.
I did not attend your funeral because it was held in Long Island, and I think I told you the real reason in one of my conversations with you. (Yes, dear readers, I have been told that the spirit of the departed is always around us and that we should speak to them as I have heard many people do). The fact is that I cannot deal with the emotional pain that I am forced to endure on such occasions by grieving mourners.
And the good Lord knew if I couldn't do that for other relatives and friends who went before, you would understand why I couldn't witness your last moments with us.One of your sisters, Abigail, who was mad with me for not being present, has over the years come to understand why I couldn't be there.
Some of my friends keep telling me that the reason why I am still grieving is because I did not see you off, but the fact remains I just did not have the emotional strength to see you leave. And Sherva, that is the honest truth and since then I have vowed never to attend another funeral except for a very close relative.
As I said 15 years ago, the only consolation, if I can call it that, is the fact that you died a dignified death in that from the time you had the brain aneurysm attack you were unconscious for almost a month before you made the transition.Your ever loving Daddy.Sherva Raphael, May 18, 1969-April 29, 1998.