In sympathy with the children of T&T, whose futures as merchant-bankers or weed-whackers may have been decided last week by the Secondary (School) Entrance Assessment exam, formerly the 11-Plus, I continue my own 51-Plus today with what used to be called "the English." By a screw-up through which I'd have failed the real thing, I did the maths section last month when, in the new format, students wrote the essay only. Today, I turn whatever art I have towards whatever the firetruck the Ministry of Education means by the "language arts." These questions come from a practice test but, if the redoubtable Bernadette M, PA to the Guardian E-in-C, can persuade the Ministry it's not a national security risk to divulge them, I hope to combine all of last year's SEA essay choices as next Friday's TGIF.
Language Arts. Section I. Grammar Skills.
A. Write the correct form of the word in brackets.
1. Mummy (wring) the wet clothes and (hang) them to on the line to dry. Wow. Question one puts a lie to the rumour that the allegedly Afrocentric Ministry of Education had schemed to make the exam easier for sufferer-children; what Morvant/Laventille child would see anything wrong with that sentence? Except to correct the language-of-the-oppressor "Mummy"? Prestige schools for everyone who did NOT write, "Mammy wring the clothes and heng them to dry." 2. We had (forget) that Danny was (hide) behind the shed? It's bad enough we copy gowns and mortarboards for our "grads" from American movies, but do we have to copy hiding places in hypothetical 11-Plus exam questions, too? Some people have cow-pens and others garages but the only place in Trinidad with a shed is the docks; if Danny was hiding there, we are all better off not knowing why. Skip forward.
C. Use one of the suffixes given to complete the sentence.
9. -ment or -ing. The police had asked the witness to write a state____? Statement, obviously, but the police will clearly be taking the statement by ouija board, since anyone named "witness" in Trinidad is, very shortly afterwards, named "shot dead"; or perhaps, "shot dead in broad daylight." 12. -some or -ly. "It's like____ that I'll visit you again," the satisfied patient said to the doctor? Must be likesome, since it can't be likely that any Trinidadian patient would be satisfied with their medical treatment; if it's free at POS General, they'll have been waiting, bleeding on a gurney, for six months and, if it's a private hospital, they'd be losing their homes to pay for the bandages alone. Skip on.
D. Rewrite the following sentences leaving out all the unnecessary words.
Should I even attempt a question, given that I could cut the instructions themselves by 30 per cent, as in: "Rewrite these sentences omitting all unnecessary words"? The irony becomes steely. Still, try number 15: The guide had promised that he would protect the children and see that no harm came to them while they were hiking through the forest. Christ. Once again, there are unnecessary words in the unnecessary words-question itself; it should be: The guide promised he would protect the children and see no harm came to them while hiking; eight words cut from 25! It's a trick question anyway: why should the guide be able to do what neither God nor Jack Warner could? Skip on to E.
E. Form another Part of Speech from each word in capitals to complete the sentences.
The good student would immediately ask why Parts of Speech attracts arbitrary capital initials in the instructions, but let's see if the questions are more grammatically sound. 18. Everyone is HOPE that she will recover soon? Another question to make sure country children don't get into QRC or Holy Name, since they will think the girl in the question is named "Hope." Let's see if Section II has more pitfalls for the dotish.
A. Write EITHER another word OR phrase similar in meaning to the underlined words. 25.
No two peas in a pod are identical? The teachers are trying to confuse the children again: if no two peas in a pod are identical, why do we use the expression, "like two peas in a pod" to mean just that? Forget the students, the instructors are failing! Try the next section.
B. Write the appropriate form of the word in CAPITALS.
26. Although Martin is usually an OBEY child, he will not act except he is sure his actions would not hurt others? A question that would both please and upset Denis Solomon and other old school grammarians: they got the "will" instead of "would", but where is the "if" that should be between "except" and "he"? Give them half a mark and move on to section next.
Underline the word in brackets that correctly completes the sentence.
30. After many (examinations, experiments), the scientist concluded he could not make cheese out of vegetables? Of course, he would need to examine his experiments to reach any conclusion at all, but he needn't worry if he really can't make carrot or tomato or indeed tonka-bean cheese. All he has to do is put on a long white shirt that could look a little bit like a doctor's, and get his own radio programme to promote his new miracle vegetable cheese; Trinidadian talk radio is crammed with examples of such shows between morning and afternoon drive-time. He could sell as much potato cheese as he could pretend to make to gullible Trinis, especially if he also has a statue or two that can drink milk. Skip on to the last practicable section (and a scholarship to CIC for anyone who can differentiate "practical" and "practicable."
D. Insert the missing punctuation marks.
35. Marcus pet cat was bitten by the neighbours dog? I can see one legitimate "wrong" answer from any child with an older sibling versed in Trini slang: "Marcus' pet cat was bitten by the neighbours, Dog!" "You lie, Horse!" That's enough language art-ing.
BC Pires is EITHER amused OR depressed. E-mail your punctuation thongs to him at bc@caribsurf.com.
