Last update: 05-Dec-2013 5:01 am
Thursday, December 05, 2013
Trinidad & Tobago Guardian Online
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This appeared ten years ago almost to the date: 1 October, ’93
Suppose you died and there really was a heaven like the one in your primary school storybook religious instruction text? As Steve Martin pointed out, if there really were pearly gates and everybody had wings on, you’d feel really stupid: “Hey, in college they said this was all crap.”
If heaven is what the bible-thumpers and God-botherers say it is, I probably wouldn’t get in and that would please a few people around here, the people who read this stuff to get angry with me. (Why don’t they just say no?) They can’t wait for me to die so I can at last get my comeuppance.
By the standards of your average sanctimonious wanker, I’m having way too much fun in this life to avoid sufferation in the next. They’re probably counting on there being a special BC Pires hell for me, one with extra brimstone, warm bottles of diet vinegar, no parole or doubles and lots of uniformed policemen with their feet on the table.
Like the Irish priests who warped, sorry, taught me from a young age, modern televangelists promise eternal hellfire if you don’t accept Christ as your personal saviour and his pastors as your personal bankers, but I’m not worried about them or their warnings. God wouldn’t cast me away for eternity. Why, that’s longer than herpes. Ultimately, my sins, like my glories, are underwritten by God.
Left to Him, I’m sure I’ll be able to stroll in to heaven unshaven, in a vest and a short pants, and sit at a respectable distance from his right hand. So it’s really not God that bothers me. I keep thinking: suppose God has a Trinidadian pearlygateman?
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