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Looking gorgeous is hard work

Published: 
Monday, March 10, 2014
The fashion world swooned over Lupita Nyong’o’s blue dress at the Oscars but Elsa wasn’t totally impressed. AP PHOTO

Let’s keep my personal life out of this but I sympathise tremendously with the stars who walked the red carpet at the Oscars recently.

 

The things they have to go through to look luscious are just mind-bending. The primping goes beyond juice fasts, cortisone shots for pimples and fake eyelashes. My manicurist’s cousin who lives next door to the housekeeper for Gwyneth Paltrow swears that some actresses use leeches to detoxify.

 

Only a true glamazon would understand. Just to avoid scaring little children on mornings, I require masses of overnight preparation. What? You think I wake up looking this fab? 

 

Aah, my poor deluded lovelies. This amount of marvellous takes work, my dears, lots of work. Which is why I am a secret adviser to the stars who need to be excruciatingly perfect on the red carpet at the big events.

 

Baby powder gets dusted into hair to give it more traction to make those updos stay where they belonged. Botox is injected everywhere, including armpits to prevent sweating. 

 

On the big day, celebs avoid salt altogether to avoid the dread bloating but they are allowed to eat maybe an egg and a tomato otherwise during the awards ceremony, they might bite somebody.