In 2011, I was called by my Uncle Godfrey–God the Uncle–to sum up the Bible in the voice of Kenrick, the kind of tess who never trains or practises but plays football like Lionel Messi on steroids, bicycle-kicking to score in small goal and all. I chose the King James Version as the widely accepted Word of God, even if it was actually agreed upon by British civil servants working for a probably homosexual monarch 1611 years after God first spoke.
These Kenrick columns are NOT an aspersion on the Bible, but a celebration of our own voice that, somehow, against all odds, redeems us; at least to my ear and way of thinking. So far, Kenrick and I have summed up Genesis Chapters 1-23, the Passion Play and the Nativity Story. Last day, God, in His Mercy, had just allowed Abraham to sacrifice a goat to Him rather than Abraham's own son, Isaac, whom God, in what we must take to be His Wickedness, had first commanded Abraham to murder.
The Fourteenth Bit of the First Book of BC, called Kenrick
The Book of the Plainly Firetrucking Obvious, called Divine Inspiration
(A Summation of Genesis Chapters 24 & 25)
And Isaac didn't get sacrifice again, so he turn man, and did want fixing up with a young thing. So Abraham call he eldest servant, who accustom to organising thing for Abe, like how all them UNC Cabinet minister have a hot little Indian in a tight black skirt for they media adviser. And thing.
And Abraham tell the servant to put he hand under Abraham thigh, which make you realise Abraham come like any rich, powerful old man anywhere and any time–and Abraham servant swear he wouldn't bring no local Caanan gyul for Isacc to friend with, but would go back to the old village and get one of them nice little country gyul.
And Abe servant ride out with some camel and Abe servant tell God–them days, everybody and he dog had a direct line to God–that he will stop by the oasis and axe any gyul he see there to draw some water from the well for he and, the first gyul who say, "Them camel want water, too?" go be the sign that she was the one God choose for Isaac; even if that come like the servant going in McDonalds and telling God that he go take for Isaac for he wife whichever gyul behind the counter who, when he axe for a Big Mac, axe he back if he want fries with that.
And the first gyul he axe for water axe he back if them camel thirsty, so he say, "Appa-yappa! Business fix!" And is so Rebekah get a pick. And this Old Testament God, like he did really like incest in truth, becaw Rebekah was Isaac cousin, becaw she grandfather was Abraham brother, Nahor.
So the servant give Rebekah a gold earring and two bracelet and she catch a glad and run home and tell she father to organise a bed for Abe servant and some straw and provender, which I want to believe is family to lavender, for the camel and them.
And Abe servant tell Rebekah brother, which was name Laban the Syrian, how he had tell God he was going and pick whichever gyul axe he if he want fries with that, and that well impress Laban, or perhaps was the gold earring and the bangles, which prove he uncle Abraham must be have real money put down there in Foreign, and the servant run some precious things for Laban, too, so he and he mother tell Rebekah to do a ten-days at home, which part they could keep collecting, but Rebekah say she will dust it to Abraham section.
And when them was riding een by Abraham, who they see sit down there meditating in the eventide but Isaac, and was like they two eyes make four across the dance floor in a club and Isaac and Rebekah forget all them other skettel and ragamuffin and on'y dancing with one another until Isaac take Rebekah to Sarah tent and well married she, and Sarah dead, but Isaac ent mind, becaw he was pelting knowledge on Rebekah.
Old Abe heself didn't mind when Sarah dead, becaw he take a next young thing name Keturah, who start a next round of begats, children like peas for Abe, don't mind he coulda be their grandfather, he pumping out children like a dirty old man until he become a dead old man with a age of a hundred, threescore and 15, which is some backward Bible-counting for 175 years, about the same length of time it will take to get a government in Trinidad that wouldn't thief.
And Isaac and a next son, Ishmael, bury Abraham and then Rebekah was making twins in she bowels–the Bible clearly was write before Gray's Anatomy–and the Lord tell she one twin would be red and hairy, which was Esau, and the next one holding on to Esau heel would be Jacob.
And Esau was a cunning hunter and Jacob was a ganja planter; no, wait, just a planter, but was like he give Esau something to smoke, becaw Esau was faint and like he had to be stoned, too, becaw he get so stupid, he tell heself he was going and dead, and he sell his birthright to Jacob for a mess of pottage.
And that is where the thing start.
BC Pires is the servant
of God; no, wait, of the Devil;
no, wait, of Abraham... aw,
what the hell....