I went to the spa the other day for a simple "mani and pedi" and got seriously felt up instead. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I had hands all over me. If I weren't paying for the experience, I could have mistaken the heady whoo-hooo feeling for love.
One more minute and I would have been down on my knee, proposing to Petra. Petra is my new best friend. She is big and plump and sits there looking all unprepossessing and ordinary. Until you sit on her lap–and then she gets to work. Petra is a special chair, like a magic chariot, that my fave day spa recently installed in its upgraded establishment.
You sit in her sweet embrace while spa angels in white coats tend to your weary limbs and transform you into a glamazon.
Press a few buttons and Petra delivers a full Shiatsu massage. Sure, I have been in spa chairs before but Petra is almost human. Petra made me feel like a teenager on a third date. Depending on which buttons I hit, she pounded the knots out of my shoulders, played with the small of my back, ran her knuckles up and down my spinal column, soothed the back of my head, and gentled me into a dreamlike state.
I looked like I was on a diet of valium and baby food by the time I left the spa. I had this really dotish smile on my face and pretty much floated out of there like a drugged butterfly. When I got home, I must have had some weird Stepford Wife glow because this is how the story ended:
He (skeptically): You look happy!
Me: Mmmm.
He: You should get your nails done more often.
Me: Mmmmm.
He: Since you are in such a good mood, what's for dinner? Mankind real hungry. Make me a cuppa tea, please, and you better throw some clothes in the washer. I am out of T-shirts.
Me: Mmm?
He: Eh, eh, like you ignoring me?
Me (spotting Petra chairs on eBay): Aaah, I'm in love.
He: I know, dear, but I have a headache.
Me: Oh stop, we need to buy our own Petra massage spa chair so I can be happy all the time.
He: Happiness would ruin you. We've grown accustomed to that scowl.
Me (drugged effect wearing off): I'm serious! This could be the answer to all my woes.
He: Well, you know what I always say. If you're happy, I'm broke.
Me: Very funny, you think you are so cute.
He: Actually, I think I am...Petra-fied.
Me: Grrrrrrrrrr.
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