Kevin Baldeosingh
On May 16, 2015, at 7.22 pm, Kyle Kijani Baldeosingh was born: and now I have to protect him from homicidal policemen, rabid feminists, and cheap jockey shorts.How I stop him being murdered by police will depend a great deal on how he looks 16 to 25 years from now.At present, Kyle bears a close resemblance to a mashed potato with stomach trouble; but I suppose that will change.
As a dougla, if his African genes determine his eventual phenotype, this increases the odds that he will be shot by police officers who will justify their homicide by saying that the suspect shot at them with a gun that is never tested to see if he fired it.Six days into the world, however, he looks very Indo: so I'm preparing to ensure that he doesn't die by fast driving, fast drinking, or fast women.
But, whatever their race, it's not easy to raise boys in this 21st century. Already, I am practising bobbing and weaving while changing his diaper, so Kyle won't pee in my face.This is something I never had to do with his sister, Jinaki. And, even before he was born, I was worrying that I was going to be bored with him for at least two years, if not more.
After all, not only do boys typically develop more slowly than girls, but babies do nothing but feed, sleep, and poop. And while Jinaki's poop fascinated me and her mother, I find that this topic no longer holds my attention the way it used to. Been there, cleaned that.Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that Kyle's poop isn't important. We will certainly be discussing his poop every day.
I just doubt I'll ever hear his mother say, as she did with Jinaki one day while changing her diaper: "This is the perfect poop. Not too hard, not too soft, and it's just the right shape."Then there's the feminist challenge. Naturally, Kyle will be brought up to not discriminate against any group, except anti-vaxxers.
Once he absorbs this attitude from his parents, he will naturally agree that women, just like all individuals, should have the same rights as men. But, having taught him that, how will I avoid feminists calling him a feminist?I suppose, once I can also teach him to rely on facts and logic, he will automatically repel feminists, just like his daddy.
That is why feminists argue that boys are socialised to like trucks while girls are socialised to like dolls, although no feminist who has a heterosexual son has ever socialised him to play with Raggedy Ann.In fact, now that my son is born, I have to start a campaign to get this country's stupid laws changed, so he won't get jailed at 15 years old for having sex with another 15-year-old.
You see, unlike most Members of Parliament and all religious believers, I actually remember what it was like to be a teenage boy full of raging hormones.I particularly remember that my blood supply was very limited, so once the little head wanted blood, the bigger head didn't have enough to think clearly.
And, if in middle age I am now a more rational male, it's only because the little head doesn't get as much blood as before. But, as part of that rationality, I view sex as a natural and healthy part of growing up, which is the attitude in most First World countries where the laws don't criminalise teenagers having sex and where, unlike our moral societies, they have lower rates of STDS, teen pregnancies, and pastors.
Speaking of whom, there is an even greater chance that Kyle will be an atheist compared to his sister. This isn't because his mommy and daddy will be forcing their beliefs on him or Jinaki, but because males are more likely to be atheists than females.Nobody knows exactly why this is so, but I myself suspect it's because men often worship women, whereas women aren't that desperate for sex.
If so, Kyle may also turn out to be one of those boys who reads books, which will offend religious believers even more.All this will make life even harder than it is for even typical boys in this place, so I suppose I should try to make Kyle as normal as possible.But, if he turns out anything like his daddy, that will be impossible.
Kevin Baldeosingh in a professional writer, author of three novels, and co-author of a history textbook.