Kevin Baldeosingh
Most citizens would be aware that they can nominate anyone for a national award, but many may not know the criteria they should use in recommending their nominee. Using selected individuals from this year's list, I am today providing model letters which anyone can post to President Anthony Thomas Aquinas Carmona without fear of copyright infringement but great danger of being thrown in a dustbin.
Letter #1. I would like to nominate Mr X for the Order of the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago. Mr X holds the world record for shaking his head by any person without Parkinson's disease. Moreover, he has often done so in political speeches in which his political acumen was revealed by the fact that his nodding could either have been a Yes or a No or a I Am A Bobble Head Doll. He is also the first person in T&T to be a respected economist even though he does not have a PhD in economics and, unlike the late Dennis Pantin who only got a Silver Chaconia Medal after he died, has written only one economics article 20 years ago.
Most importantly, Mr X has proven himself adept at practising new politics which is indistinguishable from old politics, and will no doubt be happy to get this award for keeping his mouth shut.
Letter #2. I would like to nominate Dr Y for the Chaconia Medal. He has proven that the last shall be, if not first, at least 32nd. This is the right time to give him a national award, since it will remind supporters of the other party that, if they ever decide to switch support, they will be amply rewarded for decades to come. Letter #3. I would like to nominate Mr Z for the Order of the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago.
Mr Z built a career on the backs of former leaders in the trade union movement, but distinguished himself by continuing to use socialist rhetoric long after socialism had inarguably proved disastrous in every country which used it. Even more significantly, Mr Z was able to convince many people that he had the interests of workers at heart, even though he drove a car more expensive than most CEOs, paid for by union dues.
Also, by ensuring that workers in his industry were paid wages absurdly higher than workers in other sectors, Mr Z did his part to skew the economy of the entire country and ensure that, once oil and gas runs out, adjustment and diversification would be much harder. Given that at the end of his career he has demonstrated his uncritical support for crony capitalism, this award would be extremely appropriate in this place.
Letter #4. I would like to nominate Mr M for the Chaconia Medal. Mr M represents the most tolerant tradition of Islam, having argued that women in T&T should not be stoned to death because this is not an Islamic country. Additionally, he is a Muslim who lives in Laventille but has never been robbed, murdered, or deodorised. He was also an Independent Senator who saw nothing wrong in accepting $8,520 a month during the 18-18 deadlock when there was no Parliament, thus proving that he was truly independent of public opinion.
Letter #5. I would like to nominate Mrs Y for the Chaconia Medal. She has contributed immensely to the well-being of T&T by ensuring that ugly women can look less ugly. She has also proved that you can be a successful businesswoman by paying employees the minimum wage. Letter #6. I would like to nominate Mr H for the Humming Bird Medal. Mr H is the most devout religious leader in T&T. This is amply demonstrated by the fact that he always wears a white gown which is never entirely white after breakfast, proving that Mr H does not waste money on luxury items like napkins and is not a man who follows man-made laws such as closing your mouth when you eat. He has also provided the most effective solutions for many of the problems facing our country–eg, crime (pray in a march), domestic violence (pray in the home), poverty (pray in a fund-raiser).
�2 Kevin Baldeosingh in a professional writer, author of three novels, and co-author of a history textbook.