How do we reconcile our own actions with care for the planet? Even the most ardent environmentalist has an environmental impact. If we have destroyed nature and continue to live a lifestyle that does more harm than good, do we have a right to speak out in defence of nature, or does that make us hypocrites?
My own journey to environmentalism is one filled with shame and regret. More than others, I was given an opportunity to protect, or destroy. At age 19, I inherited a cocoa estate in Gran Couva. My father, suffering from schizophrenia, was skipped in the inheritance.
There is an old saying in Trinidad: "That, and the price of cocoa, will never change". I loved the estate and it was part of my identity and that of my family. Childhood holidays were spent exploring the cocoa fields and visiting Charlie, the retired estate donkey, who had been replaced by a Land Rover.
The estate was bankrupt and neglected. There was a lot of land but no cash. Debts and a mentally ill father had to be cared for. Money was needed. Poverty-stricken people put preservation of the natural environment below their own economic survival. With the understanding that "poverty stricken" can be a very subjective term, I put my own economic survival, or comfort, above that of the cocoa fields and forest that I was warded to protect.
A decision was made to develop the Estate for housing and make millions. The rationale was that the cocoa estates were no more than businesses and the purpose of a business is to make money. Despite the myth of great wealth, most cocoa estate-owning French Creole family histories are filled with bankruptcies. Estates were often bought and sold with market dips and surges. My new motto became: "Land is only worth something the moment it is sold."
The bulldozers were called in. Roads were paved, water and lights installed. The estate centre and some of the cocoa fields were divided into homesteads and sold. While having embarked on this path of profit-driven destruction, I found it hard to do what was needed to be done.
I paved the existing estate traces, but when the time came to clear the newly-formed homestead parcels of vegetation to make them attractive to purchasers, I could not do it.
There was too much love for the trees and the animals, but not so much love, or backbone, to stop the destruction. The lots were sold and homes were built. What were once ecosystems are now lawns.
I descended into a depression and feelings of shame. I successfully ignored these by simply turning my back on the estate.A bigger part of the estate was retained than was sold but I did not visit it for years. In fact I avoided Gran Couva altogether.
For many years I kept the idea that it could be sold for millions. Maybe I could use that money to buy myself another piece of wilderness somewhere else. If I went for a cross-island drive, I would make sure to stay away from the Gran Couva main road, and detour miles. If I did not see it, then my shame was not real. I had sellers regret.
This is what regret can do. Focusing on past mistakes can make us ignore that there is a future that is worth fighting for. The human psyche is fragile. We are part of nature, and we are caring beings. At the same time our survival is still dependent on mining nature. It is easier for us to ignore the harm we do rather than accept our actions and change our lifestyles.
We call ourselves animal lovers, but we eat factory-farmed pigs that only know a life of suffering. We philosophise about saving the planet, while sitting on a chair made from old growth trees taken from the Amazon.
We tell ourselves: "Certainly the wood was from a sustainably managed old growth virgin rain forest." Hypocrisy, the ability to fool ourselves, is part of the human condition. It is only possible if we have selective memories. To survive psychologically, we forget the trauma we cause.
Preaching a "I am better than you" brand of environmentalism only reinforces the instinct to stifle the wanderings of the mind about how much each of us destroys our planet.
There is an ecovillage in Scotland, built with environmentally-friendly materials and powered by renewable energy. Most of the people who live there are vegans or vegetarians. Still their individual environmental footprint is larger than the planet's ability to regenerate. Mostly because they travel as much as everybody else, giving them a high carbon footprint. My point is that even these aware and motivated people are not able to live within planetary means.
We are all environmental hypocrites who try to maintain our image of being good and non-destructive. Sometimes we do this by eating only organic food. That single act can then be used to justify to ourselves that we are environmentally aware.
A breakthrough is achieved when we accept the fact that most of us who call ourselves "green," are in fact only half adapted to doing what needs to be done to live a sustainable life.
Out of shame and regret we ignore our destructive habits. By ignoring the problems we cause, we prevent ourselves from looking for solutions.
And the solutions are there. We can live vertically in sustainable tower cities that are powered by renewable energy and leave most of the planet for wilderness. We can grow synthetic meat, or become vegans. We can embrace GMO science and take the good it offers for crop production while leaving out the bad, the corporate pesticide chain that many object to.
Sometimes those who have made the biggest mistakes have learnt hard lessons the most. We cannot keep those mistakes and lessons to ourselves.