Kevin Baldeosingh
Belize hit by earthquakes, floods and locusts. Since granting gay rights two weeks ago, the nation of Belize has experienced a series of disasters and plagues and didn't get any medals in the 2016 Olympics, according to Endtimes News. "I am not surprised," said Pastor Oracle Prophet, who owns and operates Endtimes. "A blind man could have seen this coming, after being healed by our lord Jesus Christ."
Prophet noted that no other news outlet was reporting these events because the BBC and CNN are in the service of Satan, adding that giving homosexuals the right to not be executed for their homosexuality as mandated in Leviticus 20:13 was a sign of Armageddon.
He also urged committed Christians to get rid of all their property in preparation for the Second Coming. "They can gift it to me," Prophet said, "because I am willing to take on that burden of sin, just as Jesus did for all mankind."
Radio host bans gay callers. After saying that, as a Christian, she can't support equal rights for gay people, radio talkshow host Natalee Legore has requested that gays not offer their views on her programme. "Mih have many gay frens whom mih love," announced Legore, a Jamaican who was co-hosting the morning show with sports journalist Joel Villafana on I95.5 FM last week, "but mih doan want them calling to give their views about the economy, because I think gay economics is wrong."
Legore said that, as a talkshow host, she tried to be fair and balanced, but gay people shouldn't have the right to equal treatment before the law. "That would be putting chi chi man's law before God's law," she explained. Asked by the Guardian if she would also be rejecting callers who had children out of wedlock, Legore said, "I not here to judge nobody, y'know."
Catholic Church calls for law against infertile couples. Women and men who cannot have children should not be given marriage licences, says Archbishop Joseph Harris. "In the same way the Church is against same-sex marriages, which cannot lead to children, so too should infertile couples avoid marriage, which is mainly intended for reproduction," Harris told the Guardian.
He added that the fact that God made people who could not have children was a sign that they should serve the Holy Spirit in whatever way possible, such as giving the church one-tenth of their salary. Harris added, "And, just like those whom God has blessed with the gift of homosexuality, infertile people should refrain from sexual activity, for what would be the point?"
Hindu head wants death penalty for gay paedophiles. Secretary General of the Maha Sabha, Sat Maharaj, has called on the government to strengthen the laws against gay paedophiles, including hanging. "These are people who cannot be married under the laws of T&T," said Maharaj, "but who want to have sex with children as young as 12 years old. That cannot be right." Asked by the Guardian if the penalty should be waived if the individuals in question became heterosexual and Hindu, Maharaj expostulated: "Of course not! That marriage would be a sham!"
Pastor condemns Rowley's call for prostate exams. Seventh Day Adventist pastor Clive Dottin has labelled Prime Minister Rowley's call for more men to have prostate exams as extremely irresponsible. "In our church, we don't drink or smoke or eat meat, so we never have to get our prostate examined," said Dottin. "Along with our strong faith, this ensures that our male members are never tempted to become homosexual by a digital rectal examination."
Pastor Dottin said that what made Dr Rowley's call especially egregious was that he singled out African men. "We already have a crime problem in that community," Dottin said, "and homosexuality is a crime in itself in T&T. So, if more black men become gay bandits because of DRE stimulation, that would be a double offence. Elder Leroy Clarke warned about this just a few years ago, but it seems that the Prime Minister was not listening."
Sportscaster happy no gay Olympians from T&T. Popular sports presenter Joel Villafana does not support homosexuals taking part in the Olympic Games. "There are many gay athletes whom I told in high esteem," he said on I95.5 FM last week, "but, as a Christian, I cannot cheer them when they take part in competitions."
Villafana, who also hosts his own TV cooking show, added that he didn't use recipes from gay chefs since he didn't eat homosexual filet mignon. "But that's just my personal taste," he emphasised.
Asked by the Guardian if he would accept advertisements from Hindu or Muslim or atheist business people who do not accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour, Villafana said, "Of course, I am not prejudiced."
Kevin Baldeosingh is a professional writer, author of three novels and co-author of a Caribbean history textbook.