Kevin Baldeosingh
The chairman of the Economic Development Advisory Board, Terrence Farrell, last week criticised people who proffer economic analyses without having professional qualifications in economics. But, clearly, Dr Farrell was using a colonial neoliberal definition of "economist", rather than a grassroots postmodernist one. So, for his edification as well as for other people who still adhere to the capitalist notion that 2 + 2 = 4, I present today non-GMO explanations for anyone who wants to become the kind of expert who is regularly invited by the media to comment on topics they have no expertise in.
Economist: An indigenous economist is one who dismisses Adam Smith as a dead white male. He or she or both defines "Comparative Advantage" as businesses always underpaying workers and overpaying managers; "Marginal Utility" as opposing metering for WASA; and "Price Discrimination" as a comedian mocking homosexuals. Based on the premise that a government can print money since inflation is a capitalist plot, indigenous economists promulgate welfare as a solution to poverty and crime. Metaphorical use of terms like "diamond" and "poles" and "thong" will guarantee invitations to sit on post-Budget panels.
Political Scientist: This profession is open to any man of African descent who does not have a PhD in Political Science. Indian women with degrees in anything except Politics are also qualified to be political analysts. Practitioners should have no more than minimal knowledge of political philosophy, no knowledge of political psychology, and be able to cite other people's statistics without dribbling.
Criminologist: Since journalists always call pastors, priests and pundits to get their views on how to fight crime, this is obviously the most effective way to become a local crime expert. That is because religious leaders usually argue that crime is caused by evil in the hearts of men. And since recommendations made by crime consultants from other countries have not worked, prayer is the only solution and, if prayer also hasn't worked, it's only because atheists refuse to pray despite having been warned by President Anthony Carmona.
Doctor: In order to be a medical expert in T&T, you must have a store which sells seaweed. If you don't have a medical degree, this will allow you to pay for radio programmes where you can call yourself "Dr" without the radio station disclaiming any responsibility for false advertising. Moreover, if you also sell water molecules with other molecules removed, perform enemas and balance energies, you are locally qualified to call yourself "Dr" or, if you prefer, Sargam Lord of the Galactic Imperium.
Unfortunately, since many doctors get their degree from the former colonial masters, advertising yourself as a medical practitioner when you don't have a medical degree is not legal under the colonial Medical Act. However, you will never actually be charged for practising medicine without a licence, once you don't provide sexual healing to women who have more money than brains.
Theologian: In godless secular nations, a theologian must have a PhD in Theology and be able to read at least two ancient languages. In T&T, a theologian must be able to pay for a PhD from a non-accredited Pacific university and be able to read God's mind. He must also believe that the Earth was created 6,000 years ago, that evolution is false and that homosexuality causes hurricanes. Once he meets these criteria, he will be able to perform exorcisms but not exegesis. He will also be considered an expert on crime, education and erectile dysfunction.
Care-giver: All this job requires is a building, belief in God and love for children, whatever form that might take. Belonging to a major religion is an asset, since a child can die while in your care and all your church has to do is have a new weekly programme and the police won't even investigate. There will also be no repercussions if a baby dies from choking on its vomit because you put her to sleep on her stomach, or if a toddler get their fingertips sliced off, once your fees are reasonable. Best of all, no State agency ever randomly checks on your facilities or the children in your care, hence ensuring you are never interrupted when eating black fish in tartar sauce.
Journalist: In order to become a journalist in T&T, you must write a letter to the editor and have it published. Letters should be typewritten and no longer than 300 words, preferably about potholes. Once this has been done, you can attend sod-turning ceremonies, write favourable copy for politicians for a reasonable fee, and get free hors d'oeuvres at conferences.
�2 Email: kevin.baldeosingh@zoho.com
�2 Kevin Baldeosingh is a professional writer, author of three novels, and co-author of a Caribbean history textbook.