Kevin Baldeosingh
In all the accolades heaped on the late Cuban leader Fidel Castro over the past few days, I was surprised nobody mentioned what I consider to be Castro's greatest accomplishment–his iconic beard. Perhaps this is because not many know how much blood, sweat and pomade Castro expended in order to ensure that his beard would inspire millions around the world to give up razors. But, after his death last Friday, I hacked the CIA's classified Cuba documents and found the diary of Cabeza Grande Jr, Castro's personal barber and podiatrist, which provides unexpected insights into the man who some called Liam Schneider, which always irritated Castro since he felt Schneider looked nothing like him. Here are some extracts.
December 31, 1959: I was just about to close the shop for the evening when a middle-aged man with unkempt hair but a neat moustache barged in. "I need an emergency haircut, price is no object," he said. To my surprise, I recognised the man as Fulgencio Batista. He was planning to flee the country, but wanted to look groomed so the Americans would grant him asylum without bathing. I gave him a simple but stylish crop, and charged him triple my usual price.
No sooner had Batista left than some soldiers arrived, headed by Castro himself. Castro asked him if Batista had come to my place and, if so, was it for a haircut alone or did he also want his nose-hairs trimmed? Trembling, I said I had given him a haircut only. Castro was not pleased, and was going to have me arrested for shaving the enemy, but I showed him my receipt proving that I had charged Batista triple rates. This mollified Castro to the extent that he sat down my in barber's chair and told me to just take a little off the sides. I wasn't paid, but Castro assured me that, thanks to the El Revoluci�n, I would never need money again. I believe I was the first citizen to get this information.
July 4, 1960. Castro has been dropping in every few weeks for a cut and shampoo. He told me in confidence that his first order of business was to ensure that the Gillette company went bankrupt, which he would accomplish by inspiring men around the world to stop shaving. "Cuba shall know the thrill of victory, and Gillette the agony of defeat," he said. He is a very eloquent speaker.
October 3, 1960. This is the first occasion that El Comandant�, as he is affectionately called by everyone who doesn't want to be jailed, asked me to groom his beard. I could tell he was disturbed, because he was wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt. As I combed his beard, he revealed to me that the Americans had imposed an embargo on Cuba and his supply of Mr Natty Face Forest Soap Beard Shampoo was running low. "I can't use soap," he told me, sotto voce, "because that strips the beard of its natural oils, which will cause discontent among the people." I assured him that I would wash and groom his beard in a way which would preserve its thick lustrous texture.
May 27, 1961. El Comandant� came into the shop after dusk, his beard dry and brittle. It was the only sign of the stress he had been under over the past few weeks, due to news reports that American president John F Kennedy was being considered for the award as Leader with the Best Hair by the World Association of Barbers. Fidel knew he was in the running, but Kennedy had approved an invasion of 1,400 Cuban exiles armed with electric razors. The attempt failed, but Kennedy got the award anyway, just three days before he was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald, an admirer of Castro who felt that Kennedy had bribed the WAB board. I told Castro this was very likely, since the Capitalist Manifesto forbade any American president from growing a beard.
After this, Fidel resolved to never let his beard be put at risk again, and he installed me as his personal barber in a cottage right outside the presidential palace. It was an office of high prestige, and I wanted for nothing except chocolate, toilet paper, and books by George Orwell.
August 14, 1989. It has become harder to maintain El Comandant�'s beard, even using Billy Jealousy Beard Control conditioner and styling cream. But now that the Soviet Union has collapsed, the Party has passed a law banning any beard longer than three inches. This made my job easier, since there was now no other facial hair to compare and Castro can continue to believe that his beard is an inspiration to ordinary Cubans, heterosexual feminists, and men with weak chins.
Email: kevin.baldeosingh@zoho.com
Kevin Baldeosingh is a professional writer, author of three novels, and co-author of a Caribbean history textbook