Death is universal. Grief is individual. Death like any great wound leaves a scar. It may heal and the pain may ease but the mark is always there. If you Google 'coping with grief', you are going to find literally hundreds of sites telling you about its stages, the process and how to overcome it. However, they are not going to tell you how your heart weeps with just the idea of reading about it, how you lose strength in your arms and legs with just thinking of it and that when someone you love dies the loss is incomparable with anything you will ever feel.
To me, the ever present emptiness where they used to be, the chair they use to relax on, the room they slept in and the voice that you no longer hear is a weight that pulls at you, dragging you down into the abyss of pain and all consuming sorrow. If you have lost someone you loved, there is no right and wrong way to grieve but there are ways that can destroy you or help you to get better. Causing a scene at the funeral is not going to make the dead come back; people are going to treat you as if you are a special case and need to be handled carefully. You might get sympathy from some and you may get avoidance from others. It's always more dignified to keep yourself (if possible) controlled. It helped me when I thought of how dignified my father was in life and what he would want me to do.
In your world, you may think you are the only one feeling the pain that you are going through but that's not true at all. Come out of your mind and look around - look at the people who are hurting as well and reach out to them. With a touch or a hug you will be able to find a little solace in each other. People sometimes react with anger and want to hit out at other people. Anger is a stage in grieving but hurting other people is not. Being cruel to people (who you may think are not in as much pain as you are) will hurt your relationships with them. You will come to realise later on that people grieve differently. Drowning in endless guilt creates a cycle and does not help you to heal.
Experts say the process of grief follows these emotions:
1. Shock – it is difficult to accept the loss.
2. Awareness of the loss and emotional turmoil.
3. Numbness, forgetfulness, Physical symptoms also can appear – tightness in the throat, heaviness in the chest, an empty feeling in the stomach, tiredness and fatigue, headaches, migraine headaches, gastric and bowel upsets.
4. Guilt.
5. Anger.
6. Concentration on day to day activities is difficult. A grieving person's entire being - emotional, physical and spiritual - is focused on the loss that just occurred.
7. Reconciliation – little by little balance in life returns much like a healing wound.
8. ope – Grief lessens and a different life emerges with the individual knowing he/she will always have the memories of his/her loved ones.
Experts have all the answers don't they? But experts won't tell you, that the clownish friend that you have is just as important as the sympathetic one. Being alone is important in healing because when you are done asking God why, you pray a lot and it heals your heart a little at a time. It's good to hang out with people who know about your loss but don't bring it up incessantly. If you can go an hour without thinking about anything but the game you're playing or the book you're reading, it does something for your body and mental health more than anything else. Dealing with your grief by owning it and allowing yourself to grieve, crying yourself to sleep if need be, thinking about yourself and having compassion for yourself, breaks down barriers and helps you to heal. You have loved and you have lost so it is your right to grieve.
When thinking about the person you have lost, ask yourself, "Would they want me to be so heartbreakingly sad? Filled with sorrow, anger and guilt? Or would they want me to remember their love for me?" Know that there will be good days and bad days. Remember your loved ones as often as you need too. After the death of a loved one sorrow runs through every cell in your body; it pervades your life. It's a type of sadness so deep that only love and light can heal and you can't do it alone. In the words of St. John Chrysostorn, a bishop living in the fourth century: He whom we love and lose is no longer where he was before. He is now wherever we are.
