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The qualities which make the quality of a relationship
Published:
Monday, February 6, 2012
Last article mentioned some issues which should be considered when you look at your family and decide what you like or don’t like about it. This week, we’re going to look at one of these in more detail because these issues are also core issues for romantic relationships. Often the biggest issue in a relationship is how conflict is handled. ‘Conflict’ in this case refers to conflicting views and opinions. Now, conflict is inevitable in relationships and it can be quite healthy. Everyone should have the chance to air opinions and contribute to at least some of the choices and decisions being made in a relationship or a family. After all, everyone’s feelings need to be considered. However, some families think it’s ideal to have no conflict at all. In such cases, they are usually thinking of conflict as something unpleasant and ugly and it’s natural not to want that. But some families go beyond that and don’t think there should be any disagreement at all. Some people believe that about relationships as well - that any disagreement means that you’re not perfectly ‘in sync’. In actual fact, disagreement simply means that you are two separate people with different viewpoints and ideas. It’s unrealistic to think that a perfect relationship means you think the same things all the time.
What often happens in families or relationships where conflict isn’t understood or allowed, is that one person has complete control and no-one is allowed to express disagreement. The other extreme is a relationship where there is disagreement for disagreement’s sake. Again, this is usually a battle for control – watch out for a partner who constantly contradicts or always has to show that your opinion is wrong or who is at pains to show that his/her way is always better. If your significant other can’t ever acknowledge that you’re right about something, then your relationship is in trouble. And then there are the relationships where there’s apparent agreement and then one side works to sabotage the other side’s decision. Control again! This usually happens where someone has trouble expressing anger or resentment directly. This person actually resents having someone else make the decisions and so will work hard to block those decisions without ever openly expressing that resentment. And, worse yet, because this sneaky sabotage feels so satisfying, they’ll actually keep manoeuvring the other person into making decisions so they can keep frustrating them. Creates some whole new reasons for conflict, doesn’t it?
As you can see, the issue of conflict can be all about control in the relationship. And please note: controlling people are usually not good in relationships! How should conflict be handled? Everyone should have a chance to speak up; the discussion should be about the issue, not about each other’s faults or behaviours unless these are directly relevant; both parties should be interested in finding a solution which makes both of them happy, rather than wanting to ‘win’. So if you’re talking about who should drive to the fete, for instance, you consider all factors fairly. You may want to bring up what happened at the last fete only if it’s important to the present decision, eg, you might remind your partner that s/he has a hard time sticking to decisions not to drink once the party gets going and the whole lime is there. Or you might point out that s/he gets increasingly sleepy after midnight and nearly fell asleep at the wheel on the way home last time. It also helps if you establish at the outset of the discussion that safety and sobriety are the main factors to be considered in reaching a decision. Then it becomes easier to look at whose behaviour is more in keeping with these standards. And if your partner won’t ‘fight fair’? Find another partner!
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