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Anger, Unrequited Love and Domestic Violence
The root cause of any type of violence is the five vices of anger, greed, ego, lust and attachment. Anger and lust are most influential and possibly one’s greatest enemy.
Root causes of anger
The three main root causes of anger are dissatisfaction, ego and arrogance of body consciousness as well as unfulfilled desires and expectations. Many times, anger begins with innocence and folly and ends up in pain and repentance. Anger can be classified into three types. The first is the gross form of anger, which is demonstrated by the feet and hands in terms of action and sometimes leads to physical altercation. The second type is through words that end up with trading insults and abuses and may include high-pitched expletives instead of the usual well articulate expressions. The third type is expressed through the eyes and face and in general annoying body language. This third type includes a troubled or distressed mind that imbibes anger in numerous subtle forms that are most dangerous as such actions are often premeditated.
Subtle and physical domestic violence
There are two types of domestic violence. The first type is non-physical or subtle which is the psychological battering (nagging) of each other through vicious thoughts, hurtful words or unkind body language, especially the eyes and face. Violence through thoughts is when there are negative feelings and ill wishes for others such as hate, envy and jealousy. Here both feel the effects, but the generator of these feelings receives the worst. When these negative feelings can no longer be contained, physical aggression is the next step. Physical abuse therefore is the product of subtle violence. Whatever the form of violence, the root cause stems from getting angry, or from expectations when some desire is not fulfilled, or from hurting someone’s pride or ego, resulting mainly from infidelity, or from unrequited love, or from being possessive as a result of attachment.
Triggers of domestic violence
Some of the factors that trigger anger and arrogance are unfulfilled desires and expectations, obsessions as well as addictions to lust, greed and power. Unfulfilled desires and obsessions are generally temporary in nature, but addictions to lust and greed for power are more permanent in nature and very often end in casualties. An addiction to infidelity or debauchery is possibly the worst enemy as this can lead to separation, divorce or death. When bitten by lustful infidelity, a person loses all reasoning powers, neglects all responsibilities as well as respectability and will commit the most heinous crime if his addiction is unrequited and scorned. They become wrong and strong and practice might is right. Death is almost certain if a restraining order is applied, especially in the case of unrequited love. Lust for political power is no different and anyone who wishes to challenge that power is risking political suicide and personal defamation.
The spiritual solution to minimise domestic violence is to take control of the mind the moment anger is sensed in a forced or spontaneous altercation. The method to quickly adopt is to become peacefully silent and quietly retreat, managing a smile if it is possible. Use that time in silent prayer, deep introspection and continuous remembrance of God. This is but the spiritual power of the soul to “withdraw” that the wise see as “strength,” but the egoists perceive as a “weakness.” When that moment of anger is controlled and you are in a better frame of mind, honestly see if you are part of the problem. If yes, then reconciliation can start by invoking the power of humility, the strength to say sorry and the wisdom to seek forgiveness.
In many of the situations that lead to domestic violence, it is very difficult to break off bad habits, especially when the cause is one of unfaithfulness or substance abuse. Therefore, some form of spiritual or psychiatric counselling and guidance is essential. There are no easy solutions and sometimes it may mean walking away, sometimes exercising unshakable tolerance until such time you are in a position to do better, but whatever you do, do it with great tact and humility. Do not try and test the other party’s ego and arrogance. The important thing to remember is that there is always a solution, however painful it may become. Trust in yourself and have unshakable faith in God, but do not take the law into your hands.
BK Khem Jokhoo is a physicist/engineer/yogi by profession
BK Yogi Khem Jokhoo
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