Dealing with Difficult Family during the holidays
Christmas time is such a beautiful time; but for Caregivers it can be the most stressful time of the year. Some families may have lost a loved one which brings a feeling of nostalgia and sadness that makes it depressing to be around people. There are the family and friends who criticize everything you do, and are often very insensitive to you and your caree’s needs. Most of the time these are the same people who believe that they have the answer to and know everything about caregiving.
Here are some helpful tips to cope with these comments:
How to prepare the family before the visit.
Many family and friends only visit once or twice for the year, however, between those visits your Caree may have changed quite a bit. They may be less responsive, falling asleep due to the medicines, they may have lost weight and now become wheelchair bound, or they simply don’t remember due to the Dementia. Something as simple as not hearing as well as they used to can lead to the visitors not knowing how to react or interact, they can become angry and wonder why didn’t you tell them that the Caree has regressed. They may even ignore the Caree altogether, as they don’t know or understand what is happening due to the illness. Giving a heads up on certain conditions of the Caree may assist in avoiding those uncomfortable silence or sarcastic remarks from happening, especially in front of the Caree and your other guests.
Things you may want to share:
Significant weight loss or gain
Being in a wheelchair or relying heavily on a walker
Wearing disposable briefs and dealing with incontinence
Inability to do things for themselves, like eat or use the restroom
Unpredictable behaviour or memory and cognitive problems caused by Alzheimer’s or dementia
You can even share a photo – but let it be a happy photo caught in the moment and not one that would deter them from visiting
Holidays can sometimes bring out the worst in people. We all have those family members who have stopped inviting you and your Caree to their event because they do not want the burden and so what. What about those that invite you but don’t consider your caree’s needs, it may not be their fault but it creates a tough evening for the caree.
It can be tough going out with your caree, and not everyone can understand the circumstances. However, if it can’t be avoided you can simply try the following:
Revise your expectations.
People who are consistently thoughtless are very unlikely to change their ways. Don’t think that because it’s Christmas, your brother who calls only on dad’s birthday is going to visit, or your sister who always finds fault in everything you do for mom is going to change.
Change your own expectations; once you accept that things are not going to change, the less stress you put on yourself, in expecting that ‘holiday miracle” to happen.
Revise your caree’s expectations.
Don’t let these insensitive family members put a damper on you or your caree’s holiday activities; especially if they are really looking forward to it. Should there be any major change in plans let them know about it. In some cases it may require fibbing to protect their feelings. For example, your sister normally hosts Christmas lunch, but can’t handle seeing dad as his Alzheimer’s has progressed. The day before let him know that the entire family came down with the flu and cancelled Christmas Lunch. I know it sounds mean, but sometimes it is the best solution rather than hurting your caree’s feelings.
Remove truly toxic people.
There are some family or friends that bring with them such negative energy and, are inconsiderate not just to you and your caree, but to your other guests. Don’t be afraid to exclude these persons from your holiday events. If they get upset and ask why they weren’t invited, simply say, “Dad wasn’t feeling to good, so I decided to keep the group very small. Maybe after the holidays we can do something.”
Three effective ways to deal with caregiver critics.
No one likes to be criticized, especially by persons who think they know it all and won’t even lift a finger to help care for your caree. The comments are often hurtful, offensive and depressing to hear the same things over and over. Take a deep breath, stay calm and smile.
Be assertive, polite and still stand up for yourself.
Some people are just out of line in the way they criticize, they are the first to judge and point fingers. All you need to do is simply stand firm and stand up for yourself, that way, the person or persons saying these things will think twice the next time they want to open their mouth with negative accusations. Plus they will more likely listen to you as you have now caught them off guard.
Remember, to put you and your caree’s needs first, not others.
Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Send comments to:
Email: ashamungal@gmail.com
WhatsApp: 310-2742
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Asha Mungal
Asha Mungal is the sole family caregiver for her mom, whilst simultaneously being a one woman show balancing her business Care Safety Solutions Limited. Her goal is to provide solutions for personal safety to the citizens of Trinidad & Tobago and by extension the Caribbean. She has a passion for life and believes that every moment should be lived to the fullest and, every person should never let a day go by without learning something new, no matter how small it may be.