Again as a family caregiver I rarely every take breaks. I never stop going, doing, giving, providing, fixing, making and sacrificing- every day without stopping. Let me share a little secret- I am a proud woman. I don’t like to ask for help or show what I think are signs of weakness, but as they say you live and learn. Understand that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of wisdom, understanding, appreciating, learning and inner strength.
I decided to skip our traditional family Christmas lunch this year. I understood that my stress levels were very high, I was snapping, shouting and arguing for everything, I needed that time alone to myself, to just do me. Mind you it wasn’t anything fancy, but just to be able to lie on the couch and watch Hallmark Christmas movies all day and into the night was heaven for me. The request was made to my family explaining what I needed, not in full detail but enough for them to understand. My cousin picked my mother up from my house giving my husband and myself time to ourselves; I believe he himself needed this time as well. How was it you ask? It was relaxing and everything we both needed at the time.
It’s not that we didn’t want to be around family and friends, we just needed time for self-healing that we don’t usually get. As a caregiver I sometimes feel guilty for wanting alone time and I make hundreds of excuses as to why I can’t take the time. The most famous is, “No one can handle or care for mom like me.” News flash to me, I am not a super hero and believe it or not, there are others who can do the same job, and even better in some cases.
Let us go through some of the concerns you may have about Respite Care:
Cost
How am I going to pay for this? Well who says you have to pay the person? You have family, friends and neighbours who can be a care reliever to you and your caree. Next Concern
Reliability
Yes there are hundreds of horror stories, but there are also thousands of wonderful stories of persons who provide excellent care services professionally. Other family members, if shown and given the right instructions, can be very reliable in caring for your caree.
Guilt
You are not a super hero, so stop thinking you should be able to do everything all the time.
How will this schedule work for me and my Caree?
Well it is very simple as mentioned in last weeks article. You write down everything you need into two (2) lists; one list is yours and the other is your caree’s then you just work from there. You start to prioritise which item on the list is most important right now for both you and your caree.
My caree has special needs?
Yes caregiving is a personal and often unique experience, It is not a cookie cutter and one size does not fit all. You need to create a list of all your needs, you then start to write down specific requirements for your caree; what they like, what they don’t like, what are their meals like, what they are suppose to eat and how often they take their medicines time etc. So whether you are hiring a professional caregiver or have a care reliever (family or friend) all the information is there for them to review and get a better understanding of the caree’s needs.
My Caree needs specialized care.
Seniors may be coping with Alzheimer’s or Dementia and in this situation will require a trained caregiver. However, with family or a friend, you can have them come over a few times prior to, so that they see how you handle situations and possible solutions to coping with the caree. If bathing or toileting is required sometimes professional nurses or caregivers are required. But again, it may be your sibling coming to stay with you mom or dad and, he or she has no issues with taking them to the toilet. It really is a matter of conversation, understanding and explaining what is required.
Will my caree be safe and secure?
This is a very serious question and not to be taken lightly. Leaving your caree in the care of someone other then yourself can be daunting, even if it is another family member or a professional caregiver. Many thoughts run through your mind and it prevents you from taking that well deserved time for rest. What can can you do? Once you have decided on who will be staying with your caree, ask them to come a few times and let them perform the tasks that you want them to do. You can probably show them little tricks to make the job easier for themselves. This also applies to professional caregivers. Make sure that the correct background and references have been checked and if it is an agency ask for their credentials. Stay with the caregiver for a few sessions so that you see how they handle and respond to your caree and If you have any doubts, listen to that feeling and keep looking for the right person to care for your loved one.
Will they care for my Loved One the same way as I do?
Again another valid question, but it should not stop you from getting the respite you need. That is why it is critical that you don’t just decide on a care reliever or professional caregiver and just call that a day. Get to know the person and how they handle caring for your caree, once you see the interactions and how smoothly things are going, it will make it easier for you to get your respite.
Do I really need respite?
Again, I draw you back to the respite care that I took on Christmas day. Yes I played with the idea long and hard, and every way I turned it, I felt bad not being with my mother and my family. I played the guilty song of, “Asha you don’t know how many more Christmas Days you have with her,” and then the guilt took over. I started to feel overwhelmed. I decided to just take the bull by the horns and made the decision to give myself a Christmas gay gift and I’m glad I did. This has now put me in a better to place to continue to get respite for myself.
If after reading this you may still feel a bit guilty about taking some respite for yourself. Remember, you are no good to anyone especially your caree, if you are constantly exhausted.
That overwhelming feeling of loss will consume you and yes, that feeling of suffocation is very real, as if everything is closing in around you. Trust me I know and I understand. Take my advice and let us start off 2019 with respite care. Let us make caregiving more manageable and give you time to care for yourself, in the end this is often the best thing you can do for your loved ones.
What’s stopping you? Give me a call if you don’t know where to start, together we can make this happen.
Are you a Family Caregiver? Or Were you a Family Caregiver? ALL are Welcomed.
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Asha Mungal
Asha Mungal is the sole family caregiver for her mom, whilst simultaneously being a one woman show balancing her business Care Safety Solutions Limited. Her goal is to provide solutions for personal safety to the citizens of Trinidad & Tobago and by extension the Caribbean. She has a passion for life and believes that every moment should be lived to the fullest and, every person should never let a day go by without learning something new, no matter how small it may be.