Promoting happiness in a roundabout way

From time to time, I can be heard declaring, “I’m the happiest woman I know,” and it creates a sizeable amount of confusion because I’m also known as “living with depression.” But despite the latter sentiment, I continue to make decisions in my life that promote positive thoughts and wellbeing, and my happier days are really wonderful. I’m also growingly anti-social. A red light should go off here, but I’m coasting on an idea. It’s a genuine approach I’ve taken and in recent times I’ve found similar stories that have emboldened my resolve.

I’ve recognised that my pattern of thinking and decision-making is markedly different from others and I’ve done so while examining people’s conduct in situations, assessing against their behaviour what my response would’ve been. When I exhibit my difference, I’ve noted it creates discomfort in circles, sometimes leaving me, and others, feeling distressed. Soon enough, I’ve got to start paying increased attention to what I say because I’ve the unfortunate experience of my best intentions being misconstrued. I’m not a malicious person, so if I discern such uneasiness and the reading or interpretation of my words or actions as mal-intent, then my current urging is to create distance. That speaks to my lack of desire to produce confusion among others, but it’s mostly in pursuit of my happiness. Trending in mental health last week were many discussions of the oxymoronic principle of being “depressed” and “happy,” but today’s thoughts have occupied my mind for a long time. I’ve come to appreciate that as much as people may seem to be or pretend to be okay with your circumstances or idiosyncrasies making them uncomfortable, no one likes someone with whom they cannot relax and be themselves.

I know I don’t! And, not being “neuro-typical,” I’ve been granted an edge on others and can discern when people are unable to look beyond my psychotic side and comfortably forge alliances with my perspicacity. Everything gets judged based on what they perceive or understand as my “condition.” So, I consider that if those closer to me by life or living circumstances were to think I was unusual and could find benefit in my difference, they may have insight into why others outside their circle appreciate my value, values system, and giftedness. That could also make for a better familial or neighbourly situation where we may all be more relaxed with each other. But, wherever I’ve been, neighbours, co-workers, relatives, and associates have all experienced the difficulty of my life, some in harsher measures than others, and for that reason, I’ve been promoting happiness by extricating myself from situations to which I know or think I bring discomfort. There are those who generally better understand why I avoid those circles or situations. Those are the ones who are informed about my misgivings and my shortcomings and confident in their own standing. I’m never unhappy in that small constituency of people who stand out as really loving me and appreciating my difference even when it grows teeth and bites them on their backsides. With them, I’m relaxed and I know they enjoy being with me.