Thank Goodness for my mother!

Suffering from only my second period since getting pregnant, and the sleeplessness of a baby not only sleepless but teething, I sent Ziya over by my mother for the night. This was only the second time I did so. The first was for Stone’s birthday and he kind of expected it. This time, you know I was at the end of my end for me to send my baby away. Of course, as Stone put her in the car seat I started to miss her. She hadn’t even left the driveway.

Then I was left alone for one of the few times since she was born, in wonderment at how you can live on the same planet but in a totally different dimension, moving around in all the same spaces but with totally different meanings, after a child has come, filled your life and taken over your home. Even being alone isn’t the same any more. I fell asleep expecting to wake at 10am like I used to on a Saturday. Eh heh. 1.30 am, 3.30 am, 5.30 am, 7.30am. Yuh gyul waking up. For no reason, except routine. Eventually a kind of used-to-being-responsible- at-all-hours insomnia can sets in.

Who knew? Thank goodness for my mother. Grandmothers! You can’t live without them. She knows that I hardly ask for anyone to take care of Zi when it is supposed to be me. Looking after her at the times that I am able and supposed to is something I am very conscientious about. Ziya is my responsibility, I don’t expect anyone to have to take on for me; but for a mother, an extended family can make all the difference. My mother is only too glad to be needed. Ziya’s coming filled her house with fresh life. I’ve really had a sense of life stages since having Zi. There were 36 years of complete freedom before, almost two decades of responsibility ahead and then there will be this freedom again, but it will be different.

Even as I’ll be wandering around the house alone in the far future, as I used to before she came, Ziya’s spirit will be ricocheting around me, making being alone a new place to define after so much devotion of self, constant relationship and care. It’s funny how you make a shift and can’t go back to who you were. And who you were can seem a long time ago, and not just because you’ve been up so much that a lot of time seems to have passed between then and now. Everything has already changed. My time, my sleep, my relationship with Stone, my understanding of my mother, my desire for time to myself, my responsibilities to everyone around me. I’d clearly miss this new reality even if I could get back some time or solitude or autonomy. Just like, here now, when I have to think hard about what to do other than get over-excited about her coming back home. I’ve clearly become a mumm