Last update: 10-Dec-2013 10:54 am
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Trinidad & Tobago Guardian Online
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Moving on to the next question...
Doesn’t it just kill you the moony questions people ask celebrities? Like, “If you could invite three world-famous people, living or dead, to dinner, who would you choose?’’
Gack! Who wants the corpse of Harriet Tubman or Mahatma Gandhi at their mahogany eight-piece dining set?
The one that just floors me every time is: “What was the first thing you did this morning?’’
Well, duh, are we allowed to say in polite company that we went to the toilet and what we did in there and how many times?
Or the one that is circling the globe and is now asked of every pop star: “If I gave you an elephant, where would you hide it?’’
How does anyone resist replying, “Up your funnel”?
Either the world is bored out of its mind or everyone is overdosing on methamphetamines.
Can’t quite blame celebrities for going postal sometimes, considering they are bombarded by the same dopey questions again and again.
On the other hand, there is such a thing as going too far in the opposite direction. Barbara Walters used to ask world leaders if they had to be in hospital a week, who would they want in the bed next to them. It’s a mystery how she has escaped not being strapped to one of those hospital beds herself with her microphone lodged in an uncomfortable place.
Australian-born James Swansick, a TV presenter, who interviewed lots of Hollywood stars, used to try to keep things fresh by asking such questions as, “When last were you drunk?” or “When last were you in a fight?”
But Larry King, the serial bridegroom in the suspenders, who used to disarm people with his quirky personality, says the most memorable question he ever asked was when he was 22 and interviewing a Catholic priest. In his inquisitive, chirpy way, he said: “How many children do you have?”
The look on the priest’s face is something King still sees in his nightmares.
In my archives of you-had-to-be-there-to-believe-it interviews with Big People are the time TV6’s Dominic Kalipersad asked Colm Imbert if he was white, and when Pixie du Coudray asked American model and actress Jayne Kennedy, during a brief visit to Trinidad in the Eighties, if she were totally black.
Anyway, since I am a sort of celebrity (before you snigger, go get your own newspaper column, buster) I figure I had better do the deed myself rather than leave it in the hands of amateurs. So I am administering my own miscalibrated celebrity interview with my esteemed self.
Me: Which body part do you like the best?
Elsa: I don’t play favourites because the minute I start thinking parts of me are cute, they turn on me. Like once I was admiring my elegant wrists and the next thing you know, I developed tendonitis and had to wear a brace for months.
Me: When was the last time you cried?
Elsa: When some terrorist changed all the labels in every garment in Macy’s One Day Sale so that I would think I was a size bigger than my true self.
Me: Who is your favourite actor/actress?
Elsa: Miss Piggy.
Me: If you were a car, what would you be?
Me: Name one thing most people do not know about you.
Elsa: I have no tattoos.
Me: What is your favourite colour?
Me: If you had one wish, world peace not applicable, what would it be?
Elsa: Free Louboutins for life.
Me: Is that your real hair?
Elsa: You think I would pay for this?
Me: What is your pet peeve?
Elsa: The purgatorium of celebrity interviews.
Find out all you want to know about me.
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