Often, after Daddy died in 1990, I tried engaging my mother to express her feelings about losing her husband of over 40 years. To a lesser extent, I was interested in determining how deeply she connected with her grief, loss, or aloneness and to get her to voice it.
Mummy was always the vociferous of the two, but habitually, her quarrels would be prompted by Daddy's peevishness about some issue. She was definitely the family's "bad cop." But, between 1990 and her death in 2009, she mellowed.
From all reports, her feistiness remained evident until her dying day. But she was from a generation of women whose emotions (as their voice) were expected to be a private matter. And so, even with our closeness and my coaxing, I couldn't get much out of Mummy about her inner visitations.
Once, just past her 81st birthday, I asked how she felt as she amassed the years knowing that death could be close. Without hesitation she said she was ready to die, "having made peace with God a long time ago."
As well, Mummy, who was "Granny" to an entire community of villagers and extended family, was actively involved in deciding her funeral arrangements with some drama and much humour, too.
What cemetery she must be buried at: "Not Cha Cha Trace, there have too much bush and it so far from the main road, plus de road eh good."
She decided what funeral colours she wanted–pink and lavender–and she gently asked her then caregiver Lisa to "slap (my) daughters if they used any of those pink clothes from the wardrobe."
Once while we were resting in the same room, she got up gesturing as if she was wearing a First-Communion veil, and declared, "And don't forget the fascinator for my head, eh," (which I almost forgot and had to do a hustle version the night before her funeral).
For years she kept planning. "And hire a maxi taxi for Edward Trace people so they could come to New Grant Cemetery," she said, bolting upright as this suddenly occurred to her.
And yet another time, "Don't waste money on no expensive coffin, allyuh hear? But you know people go say allyuh cheap if you buy a poorly looking one, eh?"
And she went on up until the evening before her death, when she was insisting that Helen, her caregiver take her to the priest for confession.
There were times I looked at Mummy sitting or lying quietly, her face the face of one lost in thoughts, and I'd feel a tug of sadness not being able to access what she was going through.
Yet, all in all, Mummy remained contented until her death on November 26, 2009. Fortunately, for her, she had home care at my sister's, so she was surrounded by family to the end.
To date, when people recount her life it is always her dignity and wittiness they remember and that, too, is good for my soul.
My concern then as now for widowed and unmarried older women is due to my understanding of the susceptibility to depression among those who lack a supportive social network.
Biological factors, like hormonal changes, increase the vulnerability of older women putting them at greater risk for clinical depression and its consequential outcome like binge drinking, deteriorating hygiene, or bad nutrition.
Women in general, are twice as likely as men to become seriously depressed, says www.nami.org.
"The stresses of maintaining relationships or caring for an ill loved one and children also typically fall more heavily on women, which could contribute to higher rates of depression.
"Conditions such as heart attack, stroke, hip fracture or muscular degeneration and procedures such as bypass surgery are known to be associated with the development of depression."
Psychotherapy or talk therapy plays a major role with, or without medication in mild to moderate depression. It's important that the elderly depressed person find a therapist with whom he or she feels comfortable and who has experience with older patients.
Antidepressants work by increasing the level of neurotransmitters ("messengers") in the brain. Usually, antidepressants are taken for at least six months to a year and it takes one to three months to begin seeing results once treatment is taken properly. Missing doses or taking more than the prescribed amount of the medication compromises the effect. Similarly, stopping the medication too soon often results in a relapse of depression.
(www.nlm.nih.gov)
Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) involves a carefully-controlled electrical current passing through the brain, affecting the brain's electrical activity and producing an improvement in depressive and psychotic symptoms. A general anaesthetic is given first, and then a small electric current is passed between two electrodes placed on the scalp. Treatment is typically repeated a number of times from three to four sessions, to 20 to 25. Treatments are usually given two to three times a week (www.sane.org)
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