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We can end the cycles of violence

Published: 
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Diary of a Mothering Worker - Entry 86

You are a teenager. Your dad tells you he wants to look at your body. He touches your genitals. After, he says he’s sorry. He doesn’t want you to tell anyone. You do tell, your mother, your aunts and the police. He says you are lying. Your mother believes you. Who will others believe? You’ve now lost a dad and must mourn a man still walking around town, one who was supposed to protect you but who now casts you as the threat.

 

 

You have no idea what rules actually matter any more, given that the ones you thought most mattered have now been violated. Why not selfharm? Why obey anyone when adults have failed to obey the rules that they should? Maybe you act out because it’s a way to let others know you are going to do whatever you want because, regardless of the support you have, this hell is and will be your own. Maybe you act out because you are angry, maybe to forget, maybe to test those around you to see if they really are on your side, maybe to push back at  the boundaries of their love.

 

Maybe when you know what it means to be vulnerable, you reach in many directions for safety, even directions not right for you. Hurt, betrayal and loss are confusing. You live them emotionally, understanding your rationales and reactions only long after. You don’t know it yet, but you will deal with this for decades. It may affect your future relationships with others, even with yourself. It may crush your ability to trust. It may lead you to take risks. It may leave you less able to negotiate control over your body and sexuality than you need to be. It may lead you to search out future abusers in one form or another.

 

You don’t wake up one morning and find the whole experience was a dream. You wake up on mornings carrying the experience, sometimes awake, sometimes sleeping, inside of you. You also don’t yet know how many other girls this happens to. The women who come to hear about your abuse, who remember their own, also begin to discover how many of them were affected. They revisit their pain. If only there were less silence and less shame. If only women didn’t carry feelings of blame or hadn’t decided to forget, the stories of survivors of child sexual abuse and incest could fill every newspaper page.

 

These women and their stories can reduce girls’ vulnerability. Maybe, hopefully, women survivors will find a way to heal and protect where others have failed. Maybe, men who have also survived sexual abuse will also come together, not just to support each other, not just to run perpetrators, but to dismantle the kind of masculine power that makes men more likely to be sexually and physically violent to those they love. National statistics suggest that child sexual abuse happens every day. This teenager is real. She isn’t me, but that doesn’t matter. She is ours. So are all the others. There is action to be taken everywhere.

 

Like my sistren Nadella Oya, you can make a statement on the walls of communities, you can teach children about their rights. NGOs across the country need volunteers and ideas. There is the regional Break the Silence Campaign, started by the Institute for Gender and Development Studies at UWI, whose blue teddy bear symbol is becoming more visible. Find out what you can do. We need to end hushed family conversations, cycles of violence and tolerance of perpetrators. Tomorrow should not add another story.

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