"It's very tough but we have to really try harder to find more effective ways to deal with our children's errant behaviour; a good licking isn't always the best answer."
What will your adult sons and daughters remember about their childhood when they go down memory lane with their own children?
Will they talk about family meals, after-dinner laughter and family jokes and conversations? Will they talk about the long drives to the country or to the beach?
Will they remember the long hours of board games, the stories read to them at bedtime, the family get-togethers, the conversations with Mom, Dad and other family members, those special "alone" times spent with each parent, the long weekends spent together? (None of these really have to cost a lot of money).
Or will they remember being embarrassed in front of their friends, being criticised, ridiculed and cussed out? Will they remember being hit with the closest object and will they shed tears as they recall the terror they felt as parents fought and quarrelled consistently and relentlessly?
Will they recall all those times when they ate alone in front of the TV or in their rooms because no one really cared about being with one another? How will the isolation and loneliness affect them?
Trust me, our children will remember each blow: mental, physical or emotional, just as we do about our own childhood. The hurt will sting as they recall the neglect, the attacks on their self-esteem and the absence of love and caring.
Not only will they remember, but those experiences will affect the very fabric of their beings as children's lives are forever shaped by the profound impact that we parents have on their future as they strive to be parents themselves; as they strive to be lovers, and husbands and wives, and friends and employees.
Scary, isn't it? Scary, but true, because we are the first and most powerful influences in our children's lives, for better or worse.
Ask your teenagers if you don't believe me. Ask your adult children. Ask your friends. Ask yourself. Just for a moment, think about how you have been affected positively and negatively by your own parents.
This retrospection alone should make us all want to be better, to try harder especially since the world that our children face is so much more complicated and complex than ours probably was.
There is enough misery on the outside, in the community and in the world for our children to face.
They should not have to contend with the internal turmoil of a dysfunctional family or with any type of physical, emotional or verbal treatment or assault to their dignity and emotional well-being.
Today, truth must look us in the face and we must ask ourselves if we are really doing the best that we can do to prepare and help shape and influence our children so that they can go out there to face the serious challenges of a global environment.
We must ask ourselves, whether we are trying to give them the best home as this may just prevent them from making poor choices about drugs, domestic violence, and all the other negative influences that beckon to them every day.
Here's the thing. It is never, ever too late to make a change! It may take some courage. It may take some time and humility as you seek the help and support you may need in order to make changes in your life and your family's home life but if you truly crave a change, you will find the courage to take that first step–and the rewards will be so great for you and for your family members.
Children and families are under siege and we have to recognise the importance of creating and sustaining home environment that is non-threatening and nurturing and absolutely free of any form of physical, verbal or emotional abuse.
Now is the time to understand the profound influence of our behaviour on those we profess to love. Now is the time to take that first step towards positive change.
As you do so, remember that Rome was not built in a day. Change takes time and the best kind of change is incremental so take one step at a time as you begin this journey of love for your son, for your daughter, your wife and most important for yourself.
Dr Starke is a lifestyle coach/counsellor and an OD (Organisational Development) consultant who works with teenagers, adults, families and organisations. Please contact her at Thestarkereality@gmail.com.