The pale slinky Vivienne Westwood gown was just a little too Disney meets bridesmaid. But who tell Giuliana Rancic she could put her mouth on Zendaya Coleman by sneering that her long dreadlocks on the Oscar red carpet made her look as though she smelt of patchouli oil–and weed?
Zendaya, who had last walked the red wearing a pixie wig and striped drapery at the Grammys, let her thick waist-long locks flow for Oscar night. Not the sort to respond to every snarl and snipe out there, she posted a Twitter response to Giuliana Rancic who had made the slur on the "comedy fashion show" Fashion Police.
Zendaya said there is a fine line between funny and disrespectful, adding that her father and brothers both wore locks. "There is already harsh criticism of African-American hair in society without the help of ignorant people who choose to judge others based on the curl of their hair."
Somebody, quick, force-feed Giuliana a cheeseburger so she can shut up, and lock her in a padded cell with the lyrics of India.Arie's "I am not my hair'' playing at full blast: "I TI I am not my hair/I am not this skin/I am not your expectations no no/I am not my hair/I am not this skin/I am a soul that lives within.''
Although such measures may not be actually necessary since screaming hordes created a firestorm on social media, drawing and quartering Giuliana and roasting her liver over the coals. Comments included: "Not that it matters...but in case you are wondering my locs smell like shea butter and college tuition" and "Your racist and xenophobic statement about Zendaya's hair wasn't funny. Try being interesting, for once. Make it a goal."
The thing that really exposed Giuliana as a purveyor of race stereotypes is that when Kylie Jenner, who, along with the rest of the Kardashians, is really a holographic illusion who lives only on the Internet, wore locks, she called them edgy. Kind of like how Bo Derek made cane rows acceptable and before that you couldn't go to school with your hair "looking like a slave.''
Even co-host Kelly Osbourne, in a Wyatt Earp ultimatum, Twittered her disapproval, saying Zen was her friend and she was giving everyone 24 hours to make things right, or else.
As a responsible opinionista, instead of some idle gawker who spends Friday nights lying on the couch watching Star Trek reruns, I mediated the whole mess by having my people call The Queen to get her advice. Oprah (who else did you think I was referring to?) replied that hair karma is a powerful thing and would catch up with Giuliana eventually, so we didn't really need to punish her much any more. Still, Queen O's cosmic influence had some effect. Giuliana first mouthed a half-hearted apology, saying she was referring to the bohemian chic look and not race, which proved that her lack of calories has deprived her brain of nutrients for too long, but she eventually owned up and basically admitted she was a cabbage with a huge clich� on her shoulder.
Now that we have that out of the way, here's the real review of the best and the worst on the red carpet. In the no surprises category: Jennifer Lopez, Lupita Nyong'o and Emma Stone, who could each wear a brown paper bag and look smashing. In the I-don't-care-what-anybody-else-says-I hated-it category: Scarlett Johannsson, strangled by seaweed; and Nicole Kidman in prom glitter.
But the highlight of the evening for the observers of the celluloid people is something no one wants to whisper for fear of being banished from the queendom. So I will speak for all you wimps and cowards out there. Here it is: Oprah, whose blush pink Vera Wang gown was made from a sketch I drew on a napkin the last time we lunched together at Buzo on Woodford Street, is huge again. Long live The Queen.