I spent February celebrating the fact that I have a self that is deserving of celebration. In the spirit of St Valentine and the joie de vivre of Carnival, I took opportunity to speak against any voice that was dissenting when it came to who I know I am and how I think I should be regarded.
As I completed the month preparing to march into some wider mental health challenges of T&T and my difficulty in having high hopes that anything is about to change as readily as I'm expecting, I had an interesting conversation.
The young woman who is thriving with bipolar and with whom I share counsel said to me, "What is wrong with us is that what should be wrong with us, isn't."
"Okay," I said, biting in, "explain."
She explained that the people who know we have mental health issues expect that we should have low self-esteem but we don't. So when we show up confident and stand up and challenge them they almost always resort to bigotry, condescension or to a pulling of rank if that's in their reach.
"Go ahead," I said.
Then she referenced her previous employment and executives/seniors who happen to be in a company that should be exhibiting greater knowledge, less intolerance, and a more supportive workplace by the very nature of what they pretend (her indictment) to represent.
"My executive (name called) was flabbergasted when with the knowledge of my health issue she tried to be oppressive and I stood up for myself," she offered. "She faced a wall that she expected not to be there because, after all, I'm bipolar.
"We confuse people," she said. "We're supposed to have low self-esteem and crumble at the sight of any conflict that faces us."
She's right, of course. But I've learned that a host of judgments about my self-esteem comes from people who by reason of their own debasing self worth should be considered mentally ill.
Self-esteem is not now a mental diagnosis, but I believe it should be. Low self-esteem could inform so many other issues related to mental well being � personality disorders, flawed interpersonal relations, depression, anxiety disorder, to name a few.
But the world seems more interested in the symptomatic results of our deeper issues than treating our brokenness. It's become easier to treat by therapy or medication the end results of issues like injured self-esteem.
People with low self-esteem could survive its destructiveness if they know it's possible and are willing to improve their lot. I did. And while there are still areas where I have deep insecurities those are in the minority, and I commonly avoid circumstances that render me self-doubting.
I have secured for myself sufficient ammunition in my quest for self-determination that more often people find me overpowering, or as one friend once said after a group counselling session, overbearing.
If you find me authoritative, I apologise profusely but I guarantee you that you're not selected for any such conduct. I'm as even-handed as I wish everyone were. Who I am with you is who I am with everyone else. I have long lost my appetite for pretence or for people pleasing.
I'm pretty sure-footed and that's unsettling for many who have no idea that self-determination is possible or for those who, knowing the possibility, choose to ignore it. And for some who expect that a mental illness equates madness, when I appear strong, brave, educated, and well informed then somehow I'm just acting out my insanity.
I believe that people should understand themselves sufficiently to know why they do or say things they do or say. The Bible says "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth overflows" but how often do we look at our hearts to determine why we did or said the thing we did or said? Yet if we used that principle we may come upon what's skewed with us, our self-esteem, even.
The phrase self-esteem describes the beliefs you have about yourself.
"What you think about the type of person you are, your abilities, the positive and negative things about you and what you expect for your future.
"If you have healthy self-esteem, your beliefs about yourself will generally be positive. You may experience difficult times without them having too much of a long-term negative impact on you.
"If you have low self-esteem, your beliefs about yourself will often be negative. You will tend to focus on your weaknesses or mistakes that you have made, and may find it hard to recognise the positive parts of your personality (www.mind.org.uk).
There's a principle in James 1: 23-24 which talks about someone looking at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.
When you read this, look in the mirror; deal with what you see; resolve to march into your self-determination.