It is amazing the things you can get away with. Sure, it is illegal to bribe police officers, murder, rob or plunder your neighbour's buried gold but there are also myriad offensive acts a clever citizen can execute without getting so much as a frown and a ticket.
People just don't know their rights, that's the problem. They think lots of everyday acts are illegal and so waste valuable energy avoiding temptation where there is no risk of them being dragged away in handcuffs.
For example, you have been tricked by those cute Serta mattress sheep on television into thinking you cannot rip the tag off mattresses without being prosecuted. After all the tag says "THIS TAG MAY NOT BE REMOVED UNDER PENALTY OF LAW.'' But that's before the product is sold to prevent the innocent consumer from unwittingly buying a used and possibly very stinky mattress and it does not apply to you, my dear Sleeping Beauty, who bought the mattress and sprawls on it in T&T and not the United States. So start ripping off those tags to your heart's content. It's great therapy because you can imagine you are ripping the ears off your evil boss, or somebody.
Another weird thing that you might think is illegal but is not is the Duggar Family–the stars of the 19 Kids and Counting reality television series. No doubt you have been unnecessarily hiding the TV remote from yourselves because you believed there was something inherently creepy about people with 80s perms and names like Jim Bob and Jinger wearing matching T-shirts and cloning themselves.
Nope, the Duggars are not illegal but molesting little children is: which is what Josh, the eldest son, admitted to last week after resigning from the Christian lobby group the Family Research Council. When he was a teenager he "inappropriately touched'' five minors, the first incident occurring when he was 14.
So just make sure you understand the difference–procreating on television, not illegal. Being a child-molesting creepozoid, definitely punishable by imprisonment and burning in hell.
Then, all those cops-and-robbers movies make people think they have to answer police officers who stop and ask them their names, addresses and where they are coming from. Actually, you don't have to say a word. Police are entitled to ask but you don't have to answer. On the other hand, co-operation can go a long way. You can stand on your rights as a citizen to remain silent and, possibly get roughed up in a very illegal way, or you can politely show your identification (no sudden moves, please) and ask how you can help support your friendly, neighbourhood constables.
You cannot own a firearm without a licence but you can have an air rifle. You can ask passers-by outside groceries and mall for contributions towards an unnamed charity which never seems to find daylight but it is illegal to gather or beg for alms in the public street, lest you be sent to prison for one month or be fined a maximum of $200.
Meanwhile, there are a bunch of things that are not illegal but should be, including political parties commandeering colours so that innocent citizens are deprived of their constitutional right of freedom of expression which includes the right to choose their wardrobe free of dirty looks from neighbours who think they are campaigning for the wrong political party; green verbs in official documents; and photos of diseased body parts in "health and wellness'' newspaper articles. We get the point–toenail fungus is icky, don't need a picture of the yellowing, crumbling extremity under our noses over our morning cornflakes.
But if I had to choose one naughty act that is not illegal but should be it would be this–servers in fast-food outlets and coffee shops slathering onions over my order no matter how many times I shout, "No onions, please,'' and then when their indiscretion is revealed (and the order is late too) no one so much as apologises. That sort of customer service crime should not become a ritual in anyone's day.
�2 Confess your crimes to Elsa at wrenchelsa@hotmail.com