So who's hired their builders to start work on that WWIII bunker in the garden? Because it's getting closer people! But hey, look, these are exciting times we're living in. I mean, no one's really saying it but they're thinking it. Right? With every new WhatsApp message you send to that jokey group or the friends you know you can say anything to–and for me that's, like, all of my friends–the tone gets more and more ironic doesn't it? Unless you're living in Syria, where the WhatsApps aren't really getting through at the moment...
First there was Paris and people were like, "Literally this is the worst thing that has ever happened." Then the tears dried and people were like, "Hey wait, errr, Nigeria anybody? Like, Beirut, guys? God, you insensitive jerks. If I could rip that French flag Facebook feature off your prof pic I'd force it down your white privileged throat until you're singing La Marseillaise out your a--."
Then there was Mali, and people were like, "Oh Christ, ISIS, we get the fricking picture already."
Then Francois Hollande dropped some clusters on the Isises (is that the plural, or is just Ises?) and some people were like, "Can't we just talk about this for a second?" and other people were like, "S--t yeah! Light that baby up and smoke it, fool!"
Then people shared those pics of dead kids that Assad killed ages ago with chemical weapons and captioned them saying the French did it and no one said anything because it was a bit awkward.
Not content with downing that Russian passenger jet (which, let's face it, no one really cared about because, you know, it's Russia), the Sinai Province chaps drove another car bomb into another hotel in the north of the peninsula, not massively far away from the Israeli border. And I tell you what, those Israelis do not mess about, right? So that's a tinderbox just waiting for that damp box of matches to dry out.
Tuesday morning we woke to a breaking news story that Turkey has "downed a jet" that violated its airspace and I'm thinking, come on guys, just say "Russian jet". Be honest. And, sure enough, within half an hour they're reporting it's a Russian jet and I'm straight on WhatsApp like, "WWIII anybody?" Because, you know, the Russians aren't just gonna be like "meh, whatever."
Meanwhile, the people of Brussels are cowering in their basements as Salah Abdeslam and potentially others from the Molenbeek terror cell are still on the run.
What a time to be alive, dear readers. As Sheryl Crow once said, these are the days when anything goes. Every day is a winding umm... well, anyway. You catch my drift.
By the time this goes to print, it wouldn't be a shock if Donald Trump has assassinated Obama for being a Muslim or that Windsor Castle is under siege, the Queen has been taken hostage and gunfire, explosions and cries of "Allahu Akhbar" are ringing out across the Berkshire countryside.
I only meant to start this column off as a satire before making my heavy political statement, but I got carried away. Yes, I know it's too soon. Christ, it's still happening! Don't worry, I get it. I live in Paris, I'm travelling to Bamako next month, I've been to Syria. I'm not sheltered away in middle England making inappropriate jokes for the sake of it. There is so much talk right now that adding to the noise with my analysis won't help. So instead, a few mere thoughts before I'm out.
Blair and Bush cut off the head of the Hydra, the many-headed serpent, in 2003 by invading Iraq. The world is suffering for that generation-defining catastrophe. Two white men with not one concrete understanding of the complexity of the Arab world inside their pumped-up egotistical brains. One of them, Blair, was, rather ironically, rewarded for the disaster he created with a role as Middle East Peace Envoy to the UN–a role he only quit in May 2015 having added many millions to his fortune through business interests in that region and elsewhere.
In Greek mythology, Hercules defeated the Hydra with the help of his nephew Iolaus. Blair and Bush were no Herculean warriors, just warmongers. Cameron and Hollande are hardly Churchill and Roosevelt. And Obama, while more suited to be cast in the hero role, knows that his presidential clock is ticking. Is there time for one big show-stopper before he exits the stage?
Hercules and Iolaus defeated the Hydra by scorching its neck stumps after decapitating each head; cauterising them so they wouldn't grow back. Hercules then cut off its immortal head with Athena's golden sword.
In the nuclear age, in the context of WWIII, the golden sword idea is dangerous, but the many heads of ISIS must be cauterised. Peaceful de-radicalisation will take a generation, and while we de-radicalise, thousands more will become radicalised. There is a time to sit talking and a time for action. It's over to you guys, our fearless leaders, the Greek gods of the 21st century. Best of luck.