In the hundred episodes of the American Ninja Warriors competition he watched over the years on YouTube Jeremy John never once imagine he would get the opportunity to participate in such a...
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By the Rivers of Bad Boil Corn
In 2011, God the Uncle—my imaginary Uncle Godfrey—called me to sum up the Bible in the voice of Kenrick, the kind of tess who pushes the Port-of-Spain mayor to stand up for moral decency by blaming murdered women for their own killings, and then, when the dotish mayor espouses the idea and loses his office, tells him, “You look for dat! Talking all dat bikini mas firetruckeries…”
Last day, Joseph had been imprisoned by Potiphar but won a royal pardon by interpreting Pharaoh’s dreams of seven fat cows and seven skinny ones as meaning seven good years followed by seven bad ones, and Pharaoh put Joseph in charge of sales as a reward, the kind of promotion a Middle-Easterner fantasises about in his own wildest dreams.
The Twenty-Second Bit of the First Book of BC, called Skulls
The Book of Tricks, called
(A Summation of Genesis Chapters 42 & 43)
And, seeing it had li’l bit o’ corn in Egypt-there, and food was more scarcer in Canaan than a mayor with dignity in Trinidad, Jacob send all of his sons, excepting the last one, Benjamin, to Egypt, to buy boil-corn, and maybe phulouri, if it had any Indian woman selling there by the Egypt Savannah. But Jacob did keep back the last son, Benjamin, becaw he did ’fraid to lose he next favourite son, like how he did lose Joseph. But is Joseph-self the ten brothers had was to deal with for the boil-corn, becaw Joseph was Pharaoh dreams-man and corn-man. And Joseph brothers bow and scrape to Pharaoh corn-man, not even making out was they own brother! And Joseph say, “All o’ all-you is spy! I bet I lorse your a-- in jail! And Egyptian jail ent make to ripe fig! Ask the firetrucking-I!”
And Jacob’ brothers get friken, stammers-ing and stutters-ing, “Boss, all o’ we is one family! All-o’-we is one man’ sons, and none o’ we is spy! We doesn’t can even spell spie!” And Joseph say, “I holding all o’ all-you as spy and, eef you really ent no spy, let one o’ all-you go back and bring back the next little brother; you could take some boil-corn with you, for the family there at home.”
And is so Joseph squeeze the same brothers who did sell him and he coat of many colours and the brothers had was to go and fetch Benjamin. And the brethren start to feel guilty ’bout how they did sell out Joseph for a mess of porridge—no, wait, is a pants’ length they did get for Joseph. And Reuben, whose seed would become, not a nation, but a sandwich, tell them, “Ent I did tell all-you not to sell we first brother? Look how we have to ransom we-self with we next brother, now!”
But Joseph did well trick the brothers by speaking through a interpreter, even though he could well speak ancient American, or ancient Aaramaic, or whatever the firetruck it was them old Jew and them uses to talk, so Joseph did well following the talk, and he had was to turn away and cry real tears by he one.
And Joseph get his workers to fill his brothers sacks with corn, and he put all them money on top the corn, so when, on the road home, they stop to feed they donkey some corn, them find all the money, and them start to ’fraid them was getting set up by Joseph.
So they give they father, Jacob, the story and Jacob say them done cost him two sons, Joseph, who, through their slackness, get eat up by quenk, and now Simeon, who had was to stay back in the Egyptian jail, and Jacob say he ent bailing out Simeon with Benjamin, becaw he would end up lost-ing three son, and is only grey hairs he will get.
But things was real brown in Canaan and the boil-corn them did bring back from Egypt run out fast-fast (which really ent no surprise, seeing as how them was feeding it to the donkey and all), so Jacob send them go back in Egypt for more boil-corn—but them wasn’t going, excepting if they carry Benjamin.
And Jacob say, “All-you is real firetrucking dunce! Why you say you had a brother?” And them reply, “Buh-wha-modder! We wasn’t expecting Pharaoh corn-man to do so much chupidness as to axe we to bring Benjamin!”
But Judah tell Jacob that was better they try a Egyptian thing than everybody dead of starvation. So Jacob tell them they best take some gift, a little balm, some honey, some spices to curry favour, and that firetrucking myrrh which, on to today, nobody ent know yet what it is.
And them was jijjery to go back before Joseph becaw them was suspecting he set them up to jail as them as boil-corn thief, but Joseph get dotish when he see Benjamin and—it right there in the Bible—Joseph bowels did yearn upon his brother, and so he had was to run to his tent to cry long tears or maybe he had was to rush to the latrine.
And it had big fete and everybody get plenty, but Benjamin get five times more than everybody else.
Becaw was five times the set up that Joseph was laying for his brothers—and the real spirit lash coming in the next couple’ verse and them.
BC Pires is going to Hell in a handbasket, express line, self-packing, for comparing the Book of Genesis to a telenovela.