Care logo must go
Marsha Riley
I wasn't sure if I should chime in on the R Kelly debate because to be honest I just don't feel for the backlash that so often comes when the harsh truth is said, but after sleeping on it and being always guided by the Holy Spirit, here goes...
This situation reminds me of the hair drama with Wendy, the gymnastics drama with Nassar and all the other cases being thrown around in the media and rightly brought to light by various feminist movements like the #metoo movement.
While I agree that men have gotten away with downright rubbish for far too long, I think all these campaigns are missing a key ingredient to all of this.
Parenting. Where the heck are the parents?
I remember the day we made the decision to end Jess' dream of becoming an Olympic gymnast. It came after months of watching my seven-year-old being verbally, emotionally and sometimes even physically abused. Body shaming, shouting, embarrassment, and slaps on the body, all in the name of sport.
We were told that I was raising her too soft. Why? Because I wouldn't allow a man to shout at her, belittle her and break her spirit?
Why? Because I demanded more from coaches than any other parent sitting in the stands?
The abuse starts there, and that's the blatant truth. We turn a blind eye to it then and if we really dig deep down, we turn a blind eye to it when they get older and the abuse gets bigger too. Because the Olympic Gold convinced us, that it would be worth it.
Do I think the men in question are one hundred per cent wrong? Yes, without question they are sick and need help. If you pay attention to their story, they are also hurting. They are grown men who were failed by the very same society that calls them monsters now.
Let's look at the young fan who got sucked in after the trial. In her introduction, they painted the picture as clear as day for us. Single mother, no time to notice that her kid was getting into trouble—the daughter said it with her own mouth (she called it a "typical single mother" story). Further into the interview, she talked about relating to R Kelly because just like him she was sexually abused three times before even becoming a teen. I guess we can blame R Kelly for those times as well, yeah?
It's popular to jump on the #metoo bandwagon. Everyone loves a good ego stroking when people like and comment and agree with you, but at some point, we've got to address the elephant in the room.
Where are the protectors? Where are the adults in their life that are meant to protect them at all cost?
While watching the series, Richard commented, where are these girls' fathers? Well, thank God for common sense.
Why on God's green earth would you allow your 14-year-old daughter into the house of a grown man without you there? No wonder, they denied it was them. Apart from the payoff, they knew very well that they were just as wrong.
We have got to stop sending our children into the lion's den expecting the lion to take good care of our children.
If a sane parent dropped off their child in the wilderness would we start a campaign blaming the snakes and the wild animals for taking advantage of their vulnerability?
In the very same way, we are the ones to know that our children are vulnerable and that while we love and trust other adults, we must understand that fine line and protect them with every single fibre of our being.
Being a single working mother is not an excuse for not knowing that your daughter was skipping school day after day to go to stand outside R Kelly's trial.
This is why parents need to get equipped. Get help, find the support, do whatever is necessary. We are our children's protector and I make no apologies for this.
Too often pop culture enables poor parenting. Too often we are told how hard it is to be a parent. Self-care does not mean foregoing your responsibility.
At some point, we've got to admit that parenting is the hardest thing we will ever do in life and then get prepared. Learn how to take care of yourself while fulfilling all your responsibilities. Housing and feeding your child is not considered "all your responsibilities" by the way.
As a kid (and I consider an 18-year-old still a kid) who found love in many a rich, old man's arms, I know that it could have been avoided and I never once blamed the men. They filled their sick needs while I filled my sick needs. They were victims of their childhood as was I.
Who determines which need is sick? A little girl desiring attention, a listening ear and affection from a grown man isn't a sick need?
The doctors in the show explained that he looked for vulnerable girls, and the vulnerability didn't come because of their age but rather because of their childhood trauma.
Who determines which gender gets to be the victim? Who determines which gender gets to use their childhood trauma and environment as the excuse for vulnerability? Who determines which gender gets to be wrong?
If we truly cared to rid our society of this, we would start to interview doctors that would explain how an abuser gets to that point and solve it at that level, rather than adding to the list of people in their lives that encouraged and enabled them, insulted them, used them and finally abandoned, shamed and blamed them after they had no more use for them.
If we truly cared to end abuse we would give balance to the cycle of abusers rather than focus only on the cycle of the abused.