Villagers of the Siparia community expressed shock last week when 29-year-old Republic Bank employee Cyleanne Sankar was hacked to death by her husband of some ten years—Harricharan Ramsundar, who was described as peaceful and affable to those known to him. Nothing is wrong with residents’ reactions, because as humans, we work within the confines of information that is available to us.
There are many who have made public utterances on this particular incident without having any clue about the entire situation, some have even questioned the age difference between the couple almost to suggest that it was the main contributing factor.
For those who do not work closely with couples experiencing domestic violence, it’s easy to sit in armchairs and advance race, age difference and social status as the major factors, when in fact, every situation is profiled by its own unique characteristics, and so I continue to implore the national community to say nothing when incidents occur, if the facts are not known.
Whilst my intention is not to belabour this incident, it is indeed a good reference point to get a better handle on the depth of the many factors that contribute to domestic violence. According to a report published by the UN recently, 137 women were killed by a family member in 2017. The report also said that in every region, there are concerted efforts to deny women autonomy, and the right to make their own decisions in the name of protecting family values.
In working with our clients at the IWRN, it’s clear that a large number of women and even men are unable to discern the signs and behavioural tendencies that contribute to a violent relationship. Intimate-partner violence is usually fuelled by particular types of behaviours much of which are visible at the very start of the relationship, but because individuals do not take time to assess the meaning and objective of what can be best described as controlling behaviours, they remain unnoticed for years.
It is clear, that in 2019, a large number of individuals still do not understand the silent but dangerous signs that confirm you’re in a potentially abusive relationship…which they sometimes remain in for years; physical violence does not happen overnight.
It is usually a culmination of these strange phenomena that occurred over prolonged periods. Whilst blame is usually placed at different points when a fatality occurs, both parties must take responsibility for their actions despite how upset they may be about situations and always remember that the relationship involves two persons and not one.
Intimate-partner violence is strongly fuelled by a false sense of power and control and so, abusers are pleasured in treating their partners unfairly and constantly accusing them of being flirtatious and unfaithful which at times may be false and also a common recipe for failed relationships.
Despite how good-natured one may be, there are some signs which can’t be ignored and for which urgent intervention must be sought, such as controlling how you spend your money, deciding what you wear or eat, humiliating you in front of others, monitoring your every move including checking your emails and/or text messages, discouraging or preventing you from seeing friends and relatives; threatening to hurt you, your children or even the pets, constantly compares you with others; constantly criticises your intelligence and mental health and appearance.
These are just some of the signs which, if allowed for prolonged periods, can result in physical hurt or even fatality; it is also important for family members to desist from encouraging affected parties to go and make up when challenges are shared with them, and instead attempt to bring all parties together to determine if the problems can be fixed within their space or seek external help.
Research has shown that women are the most battered party in a relationship, even though men are sometimes victimised; unfortunately, the technological revolution has opened up new avenues for abusers to dominate, intimidate and control the people they claim to love, through manipulation, cyber-stalking and emotional blackmail. Narcissistic abuse which is a combination of emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual or sexual must never be ignored, as such tendencies would never improve but rather become severely worse.
Whilst there are calls for enforcement of laws governing domestic violence as well as a cry for additional shelters, the bigger part of the solution lies squarely in the hands of the affected parties, who must be mature enough to own up to their individual responsibility: Identify the source of the problem, decide whether or not they can continue to live with it, make a concerted effort to repair the damage or to go separate ways. The choice is yours.