No relationship or even marriage is perfect and needs work…but when a relationship calls for repairs day after day then parties involved need to stop and think whether or not they should continue. Every week the International Women’s Resource Network (IWRN) is bombarded with horror stories of varying kinds that make you wonder if this real? Another poignant issue is that parties in relationships ignore signs and/or behavioural patterns which denote emotional insecurity, jealousy, power and control and they continue hoping that things would get better or even change, but because such behaviours usually emanate from one’s primary socialisation, they become part of the individual’s DNA and cannot change. If your relationship is filled with more challenges than sweetness, that suggests that too much effort is required in trying to make it work.
According to US-based marriage and family therapist Dr Jim Seibold, “Relationships do take work, and there is occasional conflict; however, if you have to try too hard to make the relationship work, it may not be right for you. Ultimately if you are not compatible, the relationship will crumble.
“Instead of trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole, look for a better fit; it may be painful to end a relationship and you may feel overwhelmed at the possibility of having to start over; however, the longer a bad relationship goes on, the more pain you will experience.”
Recently, the country witnessed the gruesome murder of a religious leader. It was reported that the individual’s relationship with the alleged perpetrator was filled with infidelity, deceit and betrayal and because she decided to exit the relationship she was murdered. My column will be prefaced on theories around this incident.
The “Don’t Leave Me Syndrome”
Whilst men are indeed an adorable species and despite the negatives, we do have an abundance of fantastic and caring men in this world. But there are some issues which must be discussed openly if we are to understand why relationships become embroiled with turbulence. From the mind games that make them feel adored and wanted, to the “if I can’t have you nobody else can” philosophy, the theories around men and their sometimes strange emotional responses and how those responses affect women who co-exist with them, continue to be mind-boggling even much challenging than my doctoral research.
By their very nature, men are hunters with seemingly unrestricted power and control over the women with whom they share intimate moments; their languaging is always in the possessive – she’s is mine; that’s my thing and from time immemorial, men have and continue to attach the concept of ownership to relationships, a thinking that has contributed largely to the high levels of intimate-partner violence and associated fatalities.
We live in a world where evolution is extremely fast, life and everything around is changing, and so, for any positive change to happen, men must start unlearning the old-age philosophy that women are properties. WOMEN are not owned by men and vice versa and therefore, your renewed mindset should be more on connecting with your partner in ways that create a healthy and productive relationship and less about whether other men are looking at her; attempting to delve into her phone…that’s hers not yours; being jealous and very insecure about her every move; being silent for no apparent reason as the world is tumbling over your head. Those behaviours only drive your woman away from you as opposed to bringing her closer.
Changing the Narrative
Solid relationships are built on ongoing communication and deep conversations and so if these key elements are missing, then more than likely urgent introspection is needed. A relationship is not a door to your house where you can open and close at your leisure, as two (2) people are involved and the feelings and views of both must be considered once the pillar of the relationship is aligned to the needs of both parties.
At the IWRN we have and continue to see many relationships that exist based on assumptions, as in most instances either one or even both parties are afraid of asking deep questions…ask the questions and assess the responses. Both men and women are culpable for failed relationships, as they assume and act upon those assumptions which, for the most part, may push one party away from the other. For example, you cannot meet someone for the first time and assume and behave as though you want to marry that person without first attempting to know the person, their likes and dislikes or even their emotional aspirations. Do they want a casual friendship or serious relationship? Are they only interested in a one-time sexual encounter? Are they involved in multiple relationships? These are some of the hard questions which many fail to ask.