T'was the day before Christmas, and all through the land. Children were obeying each parental command. In order to make certain that Santa would come. To their homes to leave gifts and eat every last crumb!
So Santa Claus is coming to town. It is such an enjoyable time of year, with children writing their letters to Santa, trying to be good, but bursting with such excitement that they often lose control and are warned by parents that Santa does not bring presents for naughty little children. But just how old is Santa? He actually reminds me of my primary school principal, a nun who seemed ageless. Every year on her birthday she was ninety-nine years old. Modern Santa Claus was actually born around the seventeenth century, so that would put him somewhere around four hundred years old! Four Hundred years? How does he do it? He has certainly outlived his athleticism and looks nothing like an athlete...or even a healthy person! Santa's body must be riddled with degeneration! His surgeon must have made a mint!
Good thing Santa has special travel arrangements and is not subjected to the horrors of the airport scanners, which he would undoubtedly set off with his bilateral hip and knee replacements! It works out well that kids usually have very large handwriting, because Santa's eyesight must leave much to be desired! A certain sufferer of presbyopia, I am sure he has his elves do his letter reading for him. In fact I am certain his elves do all the work for him, as he lounges merrily in his house with Mrs Claus. Although I am not sure that things are so merry for Mrs Claus, as Santa seems to have age-related hearing loss as well, for,
"When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter."
Santa appears to make such a racket when landing his sleigh that he wakes up all the parents. I bet that is actually rosacea on his fat rosy cheeks, or is it his high blood pressure? Certainly the redness is not only from the cold at the North Pole because he still has red cheeks when he comes to the Tropics! He most certainly cannot be cold in the Tropics. Maybe those rosy cheeks are from the heat he must feel wearing those wooly clothes. Good thing he delivers his presents in the night, otherwise he is sure to get heat stroke all cloaked up like that! I always used to wonder how on earth Santa has the stamina to endure such a mammoth task every Christmas Eve. After all, he is quite obese and does not exercise. He is very sedentary and does not walk or run for exercise on his route around the world delivering presents. He does not even climb up chimneys and get exercise that way, but instead,
"laying a finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!" He also smokes! "The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath"
This, together with the dust and soot in the chimneys must have his lungs in a mess! Furthermore, he eats all the sweets and wine and ponche de creme that each child leaves for him on Christmas Eve. Can you imagine the calories! He is also probably quite intoxicated by the time he has completed his worldwide deliveries. Maybe that is why his cheeks are so rosy! Good thing there is no breathaliser in the sky and that Rudolph is his designated driver, and can guide his sleigh! The alcohol might help Santa deal with the back pain he must have from his four hundred-year-old spine. His huge sack of toys thrown asymmetrically over his shoulder and the repetitive bending to place presents under millions of Christmas trees must only exacerbate his pain. That round belly that shakes when he laughs "like a bowlful of jelly" certainly cannot help the situation. But just how does four hundred-year-old Santa Claus do it? Certainly he has tremendous physical health obstacles to overcome in order to continue to excite and thrill children the world over on Christmas Day. Magic you say? Well, yes, I believe that is part of it. But Santa has something that every person should possess. Yet it is so hard to come by. It is something that many adults sorely lack.
"His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples how merry!" His strength is the power of his good philosophy! A sense of humor and an optimistic disposition is the magic that keeps Santa so much alive and so young. So with that in mind, as a resolution just right "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"