"I'm not going to lie to you. It was Carnival time and I was at a fete with this Englishman I met a few days before, parked in a car behind the Stadium. So the situation wasn't ideal. Anyway, we were getting busy in the back seat when, 30 seconds into it, he stops and yanks off his condom. I start to lambaste him, because I'm a woman who don't make joke with that. 'It's condom or nothing,' I tell him. And he gives me this strange look and says, 'I'm finished.' And I think to myself, 'Yes, you certainly are.'"Bad sex. We've all had it. Yes, don't be coy; we're talking about you, too. But the first problem with 'bad sex' is that it's almost impossible to define. A move that would earn a man a failing grade in bed from Lady A, might leave Lady B sobbing with pleasure.So what is 'bad sex'? WomanWise asked around, and the responses ranged from spicy to hilarious.
Here are the areas where thingstend to get sticky:
One night you're in the mood for a 100 metre dash, the next you feel like running a marathon. On rare occasions, you might be up for a decathlon, pole, vault and all. It's more a question of the two of you being in sync, wanting the same thing at the same time.Save the drill-sergeant routine for the parade grounds, boyfriend. Sex is about communication, and a huge chunk of communication involves talking. And the bedroom is one place where you don't need to wash your mouth out with soap. But as with everything, there are extremes.You might run into a wannabe sports commentator who describes in excruciating detail what he's doing, how, and how hard, until you feel like you're following a cricket match on the radio. At the other end of the spectrum is Silent Bob, who acts like the room is bugged and if he says a word the FBI is going to kick in your door.This is a family paper, so we're going to phrase this delicately. Let's recall an immortal Sparrow calypso about a West Indian dish made with salted cod. Suffice it to say, if your lover isn't a fan of this...ahem...delicacy, you might have a problem.
It's sex, not a tryout for the Cirque du Soleil.
This guy thinks that merely showing up and getting naked is all that's expected of him. He brought the bottle of champagne to the party; do you really expect him to open it and pour, too?Once we had a loose definition of 'bad sex', we asked our friends, what's a girl to do when the sex she's having isn't of movie-screen calibre? What do we tell our men when their bed skills don't leave you walking on sunshine? The responses were as diverse as the women we polled."I told the man, right in the middle of things, to get up, get out of my apartment and lose my number, because I intended to lose his.""Why do we make something so natural so difficult and feel the need to dissect it and examine it? Less talking, more doing.""It depends on the relationship. If you really like someone and you guys now start being intimate, then you got to talk openly about it. There are lots of people out there-men and women-who don't have a clue how they are in bed. If the person is a selfish lover, then you have some work to do if you think it's worth it. If he's just a friend with benefits, then keep the friendship and forego the benefits."
Another woman added, "Sex is not the be-all-and-end all of a relationship. You might start off awkward and 'bleh' and get to know each other better, be more adventurous, be more patient, etc.""It takes two to tango. If you're an excellent dancer and your partner is faltering, then the joy of teaching him how to tango is all yours! If everything else nice but once the door closed he has no timing, it's for you to stop trying to MAKE him do what you want and SHOW him instead. And if he loves you, better fete; he'll try all kinda thing you propose."The bottom line? Bad sex is out there, and if you haven't had it already, one fine night you're going to get your share. But how you deal with it is up to you.Depending on how much you value the relationship, you can cut bait and run, or you and your man can embark on a journey of discovery toward the kind of sex that cements your relationship and rocks your world. And getting there is half the fun.