In terms of stress, divorce is right up there with the death of a spouse. There's grieving, panic, fear, loss, shame, guilt; a whole grab-bag of emotions that can knock you off your keel for months, even years. But like most life-changing processes, the only way out is through. We asked some divorced and separated women what it was like for them to end their relationships and start over. Here's what they said:
What's the first thing you did after your divorce?
"I went to Puerto Rico for a week with my sister. You couldn't be more surprised than me when I actually had fun. I wore a bikini, which my husband never let me do." "I cried. Not out of sadness, out of relief. It had been a lousy five years, and I could hardly believe it was over." "I sat down with this fancy designer suit he'd said he'd bought for himself, but which was actually a gift from the woman he dumped me for, and I cut into a zillion pieces with scissors."
What do you miss the most about being married?
"Having someone to sleep with. Literally, I mean. He used to throw his leg over me when he slept and I kind of liked that." "Hanging out with his friends. Now, it's like they feel disloyal to him if they spend time with me, so a lot of people I really enjoyed spending time with will just say howdy if we bounce into one another but they don't call me up and ask me to lime anymore." "Honestly? The second income. I was in such a hurry to be rid of him I didn't bother asking for alimony, but it's hard getting by on one salary, especially since I kept the kids." "Having someone to blame when things go wrong." "The sex...but I'm happy to leave behind the insecurities and jealousies that went with it."
What do you miss the least?
"Waiting forever for things to get done around the house. It's been a liberating experience learning to fix a sink. Looking back I'm amazed that I used to wait for days for him to change a light bulb. I can change my own light bulb now, thank you. And I can top up the fluids in my car." "I don't miss constantly being told that everything that ever went wrong between us is my fault."
"His cheating."
Would you get married again?
"I would be very willing to get married again. In fact, I'm looking forward to it, only this time I'd look for someone who I'd want as a friend. I'd look for someone who, if we broke up, I would still talk to. Of all my exes, my former husband is only one of two that I don't talk to on a regular basis, which speaks volumes since he's the one I'd been with the longest and had the most history with." "I believe in love and I prefer to not indulge in sex without marriage, so of course I plan to remarry. I am a very loving person. Children can only fill so much in your life." "No. Why are you asking such a stupid question?"
What would you do differently next time around?
"I'd look for someone who sees my worth and someone who knows I'm worth the sacrifice/compromise and who makes the effort to want to please me, rather than some guy who thinks I'm the only one who's struck gold! (Grrrrrr!)" "I'd make sure we had separate bank accounts. And I'd get a prenup. They have prenups in Trinidad, right?"
Any advice for new divorcees?
"Don't do stuff and wonder what "he" will say and change your plans to avoid verbal or emotional wrath, cause sure as hell he is doing what he wants. Live with the fact that it could take you two days, two months, two years, two decades to start a new relationship." "Any sign of past behaviour patterns from your ex in your new guy - run like hell! And for the ones who have not been married, trust me, ladies: he cheats on you dating, he'll just be a married cheater."
So, do you still believe in love?
"I still believe in love, but maybe not the giddy filmi kind of love. I'm 52 and too old for that stupidness. The men I date are older too, so they see that for it to work, we BOTH have to give a little something. We're not young and stupid anymore. We know about life and how challenging it could be to get things to work and sometimes you have to give in." One lady we spoke to summed up the promise of hope and love very nicely: "Regardless of the past, regardless of the failed marriage, regardless of the disappointment, I still believe in love and that it will find me again!" eah, you go, girlfriend!
