"One thing single mothers need to do is take care of themselves. They must understand that their children's survival is dependent on their physical, social, mental, emotional and spiritual help. Often, single mothers neglect their own needs and focus on those of their children wholeheartedly. This method of doing things sometimes creates resentment (from the child) and hampers the child's social development. A single mother should never be afraid to ask for help in order to be the best that she can be for her children," advises Joan Bishop, Chief Executive Officer of Creative Parenting for the New Era, a local NGO that provides programmes to empower parents and families.
There is the time when a single mother may be faced with the dilemma of having more than one job to take care of her children, all the while seeing how those jobs make it near impossible to be the mother she wants to be. "When it comes to juggling jobs, many mothers are confronted with horrible choices, like those jobs that prevent them from being available to their children, or make them absent and exhausted both physically and emotionally. These mothers reach a stage where they perceive life to be joyless and parenting to be an act of endurance," says Bishop. There also comes a time when a mother needs to cry, or can't help but break down, or when they just need to grieve. This is common in homes where the mother has lost her partner to death and feels as though she has to stifle her grief to help her child through this sad period.
"She must know that she has the strength to overcome. Many have (over the years) successfully coped with widowhood or separation. Finding this strength comes from within. It also helps to get encouragement from friends and loved ones. The mother must realise that large numbers of women over many years and many regions have had to face this same reality. In some cases husbands/partners have been lost in war, epidemics and many other circumstances, yet these mothers – like her – have to deal with the trauma and overcome. "If the children belong to the larger family she does not have to raise them alone. Therefore she needs to nurture and cherish relationships with extended family that can co-parent and offer support and assistance. This has been the tradition for many African societies where the children belong to the clan," Bishop added.
This is a time when loneliness may overwhelm you. Therefore, one should avoid isolation and create opportunities for enrichment. Deliberately expose yourself to acceptable male role models and environments that increase opportunities for interaction with groups of other parents of both sexes, according to Bishop. However, all women should still remain conscious of the possibilities of predators in their midst, particularly in new settings or as they engage in outside activities. Single mothers must also remember that they have a responsibility to be conscious that their behaviour informs the child's sense of identity. Social interaction should not be abused. Living with a bad reputation will not just be tough for them, but also for their child.
So, if you are divorced or separated, remember that your child, just like you, will have pent up anger within him/her due to the fact that they do not understand why their parents have separated and continue to yearn for the father who is no longer part of the household. This child has to deal with these feelings "while living with a mother who may be full of anger and sometimes hatred for her former partner, who has left her with an equal share of responsibility for satisfying the material, emotional and spiritual needs of her child," says Bishop. In this situation a single mother has to deal with her hurts as well as those of the child. Bishop recommends having an open communication with their children (in such circumstances). Remember that the child needs direction more than before, so invoke your creativity in affirming your child's worth, purpose and possibilities.
Bishop advises that you draw inspiration from women who have overcome similar challenges because there are so many women in our mist that have transcended the most difficult circumstances and whose children have done them proud. In being creative, the mother must think outside the box searching for ways and means to become closer to her child. You will want to give this child everything he/she demands, but keep in mind that the welfare of the child must be given priority and his protection and safety must overshadow possible economic and social wants.
