Separation and divorce are difficult. Regardless of the length of the relationship or the series of circumstances which lead to the outcome, when relationships end difficulties are experienced by both parties and their children. While divorce is hard on children of any age, teenagers have additional challenges. Parents who are divorcing are more likely to discuss and offload their own feelings, criticisms and anger on their teens (as opposed to younger children) who invariably are coming to terms with their own emotions. They are simply unable to additionally manage those of their parent.
Honesty first
Honest communication is best for teens. Let them know simply and clearly the decisions that have been made and the next steps. This does not mean that personal stories, dirty laundry or complaints about either parent should be discussed. Keep your private relationship details to yourselves! All your teens need to understand are the ways in which the living arrangements will change and that your marital relationship is ending. Keeping up appearances or engaging in extra-marital relationships can deeply harm the developing teen mind. Such behaviour compromises their expectations of what healthy relationships are and can potentially increase their risk for toxic relationships in their future.
The “Friend” Trap
Do not fall into the trap of believing teens are more grown-up than their younger siblings and thus deserve more information about the details of your divorce. Your teenager does not need to be appraised of affairs or other hurtful behaviour. Remember, that your previous partner is still your teenager’s parent. Use very clear language when discussing the situation. Place emphasis on the shared love that you both have for the family and the ways in which you will endeavour to work together to continue to provide for the family and your needs. Your teenager should not be your best friend or confidante, to whom you can unleash your frustrations.
Children and teens will never forget how you handled yourself during this time, so approach it from a thoughtful perspective.
Consistency Is key
Teens normally experience the ups and downs of adolescence, regardless of anything else happening in their lives. When parents are divorcing, there are so many more added emotions. Anger, guilt, frustration, fear, anxiety, loneliness. Adolescents crave stability and require that one element of their lives provides consistency. Even though divorce will change the structure of the home environment, it is up to the parents to do their part to provide as consistent a routine as possible. Where feasible, create a distinct space in their new quarters (if they have to move) and minimize the amount of packing and re-organizing required when they visit the other parent who now lives elsewhere. Parents who are divorcing may agree on little, but must try their best to adopt similar rules and routines. Keep the lines of communication as open as possible so that you are on the same page about permitted behaviours, social media and cell phone use and social activities that your teen is allowed.
Young people can be very good at detecting ‘chinks in the armour’, especially when they relate to things that they want to do. If one parent becomes overly permissive and disrespects agreed rules of the other, teens become vulnerable to making bad decisions or even learning to disobey authority. Avoid creating situations where your teen can play one parent against another. If this process of finding common ground is simply too difficult, seek support of counselling or therapy.
Be patient
The circumstances of each divorce are different, and the way each teen internalizes them will differ. Some teenagers react by shutting down and not speaking about it, while others become more defiant and secretive. Some are able to rely on the support of friends, while others still pull away from support systems and isolate themselves. Regardless of the manner in which they most will need extra attention and room to express their feelings, expectations, and struggles. Therapy is often an ideal way for them to have a safe, neutral place to explore their feelings. While parents absolutely need to keep talking with their teens through the process, they are often not in a good state of mind to counsel their teens, and they certainly are not neutral to the situation. Support your teens, but provide them with a third party for additional support.
Causes for concern
Through any change in family life, be it divorce, death, re-marriage or blending of families, parents need to keep in close contact with school and friends to ensure that deterioration in other parts of life is not happening. Some causes for concern include, changes to grades and school performance, absenteeism from school or usual activities, loss of interest in usual activities, sudden and consistent vague aches and pains or acts of violence or aggression to others. These, or any other behavioural change that concerns you warrants further assessment by a mental health professional.
Change is hard, but build resilience. Your teen will learn the skills required to adapt and grow, despite changes to their family life. It is possible for both parents to continue to forge health parental relationships with their teens, even though their relationship together has ended. It does require communication, a plan and consistent effort; and as with most things in life, these together lead to success.