Kevin Baldeosingh
My son Kyle, who will be one year old next month, is a cherub of a boy with a pleasant temperament.
So, when we are out, my wife Afi-Ola doesn't have to hold him if she doesn't want to � there are always plenty women offering to do so. And, not infrequently, some of these women will say, "I want to make one so." To which Afi replies, "This is my husband."
What I have been noticing lately, though, is that quite a few men also like holding Kyle and playing with him. Some of them are fathers, some are not. But their behaviour is not much different from the women's: they seem to equally enjoy holding Kyle and equally fascinated by him. And I have noticed this because it contradicted my assumptions about men's behaviour in respect to children.
Indeed, so deep-rooted were these ideas that, until recently, I had assumed I was a very good father relative to other men. I was wrong. I still think I am a good father, but I have come to realise that the majority of men are good fathers in the same way I am. If there's any significant differences between how I and they interact with our children, it's mainly because I am lucky enough to work from home, whereas most men are working even harder than they did before becoming fathers to support their families. (Many professional women, by contrast, tend to work less in order to have more family time � I do not know what the case is for working class women.)
So the stereotypical idea of men not caring much for children, and fathers being distant, is way off the mark, even in a not-entirely-modern society like Trinidad's. In fact, there is evidence that Nature prepares men for fatherhood by actually altering their body chemistry. Not only do fathers typically have lower testosterone levels than men without children, but even expectant fathers have higher levels of a hormone called estradiol, which is one of the main hormones that pregnant women have in their bloodstream, as well as prolactin, which is a hormone women need for breast-feeding.
Now hormones affect behaviour, so the men in these studies were being primed by their own biology to be less aggressive and more nurturing: and the effects appear to be permanent. Admittedly, these findings may vary between societies, since the research was done in Canada and men in a more aggressive culture or sub-culture may not experience these hormonal changes. Be that as it may, the presence of a committed father is beneficial for children.
A study in Dominica done by the American anthropologist Mark Flinn (who also did seminal research in Trinidad) found that children who live with both parents had lower levels of cortisol, which is a stress hormone, as compared to children who lived with a mix of genetic and step-parents or with one biological parent who had no family support. And boys without fathers in the home grow more slowly, which has consequences later in life. However, if the single mother has many relatives that her children can turn to � in other words, an extended family � these effects are reduced.
So, even if I were to die tomorrow, I think my son would still be okay, because there will be plenty people willing to hold on to him.