AMERY BROWNE
In the cartel film Sicario a veteran agent looks at the rookie joining his team in battle against the drug gangs and warns her about his unconventional methods: "Nothing will make sense to your ears, and you will doubt everything that we do, but in the end, you will understand."
In the real world, when you turn on the news these days it might indeed seem as if nothing makes sense, but I have learned that with a bit of re-evaluation even the most complex and potentially bewildering observations can be indeed properly explained.
Take for instance the issue of those new speed detector guns. The fact that only six of these devices have been procured thus far for use by the Police Service might cause consternation in some sectors of the population.
Many keen observers might consider that there is some irony in the 'slow' pace of acquisition of 'speed guns,' particularly in light of the fact that the then Cabinet approved the purchase of 400 of them back in November 2013. The mathematically inclined might conclude that if it took two years to acquire six, it would take 133 more years to acquire 400 speed guns.
I am pleased to report that all such concerns are totally unfounded; the main reason for this is the superior intelligence and flexibility of our public service.
Those first six speed guns comprised an initial batch that was procured via the normal snail-paced bureaucratic process of this land, but I am reliably informed that the much larger second batch will be imported and provided to our hardworking officers in a much more efficient manner...indeed the remaining 394 speed guns should be here sometime tomorrow night.
The plan was hatched by a few senior officers after decades of very, very quietly observing the rapid importation of illegal firearms onto our shores. Based on those observations, and on the completely unobtrusive monitoring of thousands of illegal shipments, a clandestine arrangement was made with the speed-gun manufacturers overseas to package batch number two in a large wooden crate and affix a very clever label: Illegal Guns. The crate would then be placed on a pirogue and calmly sailed into one of our "fish-landing sites" just like a normal routine illegal arms shipment.
At that point a special task force would swoop down and make front-page headlines by effecting the first major seizure of newly-landed "illegal" weapons in the history of this land. Except of course that what actually would be seized would not be Glocks and Sig Sauers but rather hundreds of innocent speed detection devices that would be immediately provided to the police on our roads to help save lives.
Well-placed sources have indicated that subsequent shipments would herald the importation of special cloaking devices that would render police vehicles undetectable by speed gun. This would represent further landmark progress because, as any fool would know, it is essential for the majority of police vehicles to drive far beyond the speed limit at all times–particularly when pursuing a cold beverage after lunch and when transporting top-ranked officers to intercept the Minister of Housing's entourage to make supplication for "residential assistance".
Another issue that might bring serious distress to the uninformed is the putrid garbage situation on Maracas Beach. Anyone who visits Maracas on a weekend knows that for years now the bins on the beach have been too small and are cleared too infrequently. This results in members of the public dutifully piling garbage around and on top of the existing bins and those without insight could be forgiven for thinking that if we were serious about attracting tourists to contribute to our economy's diversification we would have solved this problem long ago.
Let not your hearts be troubled my friends...in every pile of our rubbish there is a silver lining. What most people don't know is that this perennial garbage accumulation at the beach is actually part of a top secret nation-building project.
For years we have had lifeguards who are really undercover agents stationed on Maracas Beach monitoring the people's response to these garbage heaps. They have been tasked with identifying that first historic moment when an exasperated citizen would take matters into his own hands by emptying one or more of those bins himself.
Once that happens a national award would be presented to the good citizen who would then be used in a futuristic and completely original anti-littering campaign that sources say will be called: Chase Charlie Away. This national award would be bestowed not by the Head of State but by the Chief Justice (when he is within the jurisdiction) based on the specific condition that it be "duly and immediately withdrawn should the recipient ever boastfully publish photoshopped images of his child at a graduation."
As a separate footnote, it is a bizarre coincidence that the covert name of the winning 2015 election campaign was quite similar, and indeed there were several secret documents headlined: Chase Rodney Charlie Away.
Friends, as we smile and cry our way through the challenges of our development, we can remain assured that in this precious land of ours there will always be some method in the madness, and quite a bit of madness in the method.