“The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced. Every other wound we seek to heal, every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open; this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude” Washington Irving (1783-1859).
Stalin said that the death of a single person is a tragedy, the death of thousands a statistic. Not if one is a citizen of the West. Western media makes sure that every year, the names and stories of the 3,000 people who died on 9/11 are remembered. But who will remember the 70,000 Palestinians, mostly women and children, who have been bombed to death as a consequence of the Zionist war on the Palestinian nation since 2023? Who talks about the half a million Sudanese, again mostly women and children, who have starved to death in their Civil War in the past three years?
Children are not supposed to die. For parents, the death of a child is horrible. The grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel part of them has died.
So much has been written about this that I hesitate to add anything. I will simply quote from those gone before and end with advice given to me by a Trinidadian mother who lost her child.
“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But ... there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is!” Jay Neugeboren—An Orphan’s Tale—1976.
There is no word for a mother or father who has lost a child in any known language. The pain is so great that we refuse to recognise such a person exists.
“Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of a parent’s being...When a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is their link to the child” Arnold & Gemma, 1951.
So many parents say that the death of their child leaves a gap, a hole in their heart, which never fills, no matter how many children come after. Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died and come to learn that “memories are the precious gifts of the heart ... that they need, these memories and whispers, to help create a sense of inner peace, a closeness” Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 1989.
“The range of expression of parental grief is wide...Some parents will express tears and hysteria openly. Others will silence these expressions and grieve inwardly...” Arnold & Gemma, 1951.
Those who seek to comfort grieving parents should avoid relying on preconceived ideas about how parents grieve. Reactions of grieving parents may seem overly intense, self-absorbing, contradictory, or even puzzling. For bereaved parents, a child’s death is such an overwhelming event that their responses may often be baffling not only to others but to themselves as well.
So, what do you say to the parent of a dead child? Here is what my mother-friend recommends:
“Ask how I’m doing and how you can help.” Say, ”I am sorry for your loss.” Say, “You are in my prayers.” Say, ”Your son or daughter was a beautiful person.”
Then, “Allow me to speak about my loved one; it is comforting and healing even if it makes me cry. Never, ever say don’t cry and never run away when we cry. Remember our loved ones by name, remember birthdays, special occasions.”
“Never tell us to forget our loved ones, or to leave their memory behind. It is easier for us to move on cradling their memory in our hearts. Our loved ones were real, they were people and part of our lives; we cannot pretend that they never existed. Nothing said or done will ever change that. Instead, help us to honour their memory, no matter how short that presence was. Honouring them brings such peace and joy to us, it builds so much strength and is very comforting.”
“And Doc, when you do write that column, please tell everyone never to say, ‘God does not give you more than you can handle.’ That makes no sense and comforts no one. The only thing it seems to be saying is that I am a stronger person than you are, and at that point, I don’t really care!”
