Tricia St John
Men are abused more often than one would think. Regardless of age, occupation or status, men often deal with abuse more times than they would care to mention. Figures suggest that as many as one in three victims of domestic violence are male. Society dictates that men are presumed by traditional views of gender roles to be leaders. The traditional view of the masculine gender role, therefore, suggests that men should be the heads of their households by providing financially for the family and making important family decisions.
When men are emasculated, they feel essentially powerless. The emasculated man may feel both embarrassed and ashamed of himself. As a result, he may try desperately to either prove his masculinity to others or to hide the fact that he perceives himself as lacking. Men may feel discouraged to talk about what’s going on in their personal lives, or they feel like no one will believe them.
In some instances, they may not even realise that they are being abused, or they might assume they should just deal with the abuse on their own. Stigma, embarrassment and worry that the abuse will be minimised or dismissed may discourage men from seeking help.
Jamaal lives with his wife and children. They both work, yet, every payday, Jamaal is left with nothing in hand. He can’t have a beer with the guys after work because every day after pay he goes to work with his passage alone. He isn’t even allowed money for a phone card because his wife, Carissa, argues that he wastes it calling people who never check up on him. She calls him stupid, inconsiderate, and in general, does not treat him with the care and concern he deserves. He is embarrassed anywhere. Once she is upset, she pays little or no attention to place, time or company.
Jamaal recalls one time she cursed him in front of his boss. He was teased for months after on the job and there was no way to play it off since it was obvious to everyone present that that was her usual behaviour.
Financial abuse as a form of intimate partner violence
Like other forms of intimate partner violence, financial abuse is highly gendered, with the majority of victim-survivors being women. However, financial abuse can occur in any relationship, regardless of the gender of the people in that relationship. Withholding money, stealing money, and restricting the use of finances are some examples of financial abuse.
In Jamaal’s case, he is not allowed to have any kind of say in how his salary is spent. Added to this, when Carissa calls him derogatory names, yells or curses it makes him feel sad, unloved, and helpless. These feelings can occur both short-term and long-term and can result in emotional trauma, which could, in turn, develop into post-traumatic stress disorder. Emotional abuse of men makes them feel like less of a person. Male victims of emotional abuse may experience partners that yell and scream. Men are likely to show a reluctance to trust, exhibit low self-esteem and emotional numbness, and even withdraw into depression. Some men, according to studies, are known to exhibit physical symptoms such as insomnia, fatigue, digestive issues, and headaches.
Craig and Rebeca had been married two years before she started hitting him. There was no pattern to it, she would just hit him with whatever was at hand whenever she felt annoyed enough. Craig remembered one time she hit him with a grater and the end of it caught him in his left eye. He had to lie and say he had fallen on some rocks while gardening. The nurse had asked twice if he was sure that was what happened but with Rebeca in the room, there was no way he could admit the actual truth. And still, Rebeca had poked him in his ribs with the car keys as soon as they were back outside and called him an idiot who could not even lie well.
Craig was tired of being manipulated, belittled, and beaten, yet there was no way he could bring himself to hit Rebeca back. He had thought about it a few times whilst desperately trying to think about how to get the upper hand and find some balance in their marriage, but he knew how unevenly the scales were balanced. He knew, especially given the type of woman she was, that if he so much as looked at her too hard, she could make his life more of a nightmare by making reports to the police that he was being abusive.
The one time he had worked up enough courage to go in and attempt to make a report, the sound of their disbelieving laughter and scornful comments had followed him all the way home and echoed in his head for weeks. Society’s beliefs and attitudes about men have kept this kind of abuse hidden. Because of these beliefs, men who are abused by female partners may not admit it. They may not want to tell anyone.
Additionally, sometimes police and other professionals may not take the abuse seriously, as has been Craig’s experience. Craig deals with his at-home situation by stepping outside of his marriage. He is very discreet but with his outside relationships, he can lead, and be the man he is not allowed to be at home.
Emotional abuse tactics can happen without other abuse tactics being involved. But when other abuse happens, emotional abuse is almost always present. Some men say it is harder to deal with emotional abuse than physical abuse. Emotional abuse includes putdowns, done by insulting or humiliating her partner at home or in public. Blaming him and lying to him. Controlling finances by withholding financial information from her partner or stealing money from him. Making financial decisions that affect him without asking or telling him. Isolating her partner and restricting his freedoms includes control over her partner’s contact with friends and family, isolation from friends and family and treating him like a servant. Monitoring his phone calls and restricting his ability to get around as well as controlling his access to information or participation in organisations and groups.
It takes time to realise your relationship is abusive
Changing or leaving is more of a process than an event. It takes time to realise your relationship is abusive. It takes time to admit a person you love, someone you thought loved you, is willing to say and do things that harm you. It takes time to find out if it is possible to keep the relationship but stop the abuse. If children are involved, it may take time to figure out how to create a healthy, stable and loving environment for them. It can be messy and slow to recognise, change or leave an abusive relationship. It seems like taking two steps forward and one step back. But many people have been able to move past abuse. They say it has been worth the effort to get their lives back.
Relationship trauma is one of those lingering effects. The trauma of the abusive relationship can create some long-lasting triggers and scars that can make it scary to be in new relationships. Relationship trauma can even cause healthy relationships to feel unsafe. An abusive relationship can leave the victim scarred and scared of trusting again. It can even make them develop unhealthy behaviours that might affect them in their new relationship.
Getting over the fear of dating after an abusive relationship often starts with acknowledging that you were abused in the first place. Not that your partner was bossy or selfish or loud, but that they were abusive! It may also involve seeking help from a professional and building a strong support system to help you heal since trying to keep the experience hidden may cause the after-effects of it to seep into any new and healthy relationship and cause problems. There is fear of starting a new relationship after an abusive one doesn’t fizzle away instantly. It involves being patient with the healing process and learning to trust people again.
Tricia St John is an author, motivational speaker and domestic violence survivor.