Matthew Chin
Reporter
matthew.chin@guardian.co.tt
In her time devoted to herself, Onika Henry enjoys the timeless company of the seaside. She goes to the beach to rest, read a book, and eat her favourite gluten-free snacks before submerging in the teal waters of Tobago, her home. While enjoying nature’s bounty and treating herself from time to time, the 52 year old is a single mother who raised her two boys into men: 30-year-old Akino Cornwall and 32-year-old Taariq Cornwall.
Before describing how they impacted her life, Henry shared what it was like to give birth to them, a process she praised as a sacred milestone.
“The whole process of bringing a human being into the world, for me, was mind-blowing. There was a sense of awe and sacredness about going through that process. And honouring, respecting, and recognising the fact that this is something my body can do; it can hold space for, nourish, and bring another human being into the world,” Henry said.
Raising them up, she had to come to terms with her past, something her sons had seen in her that she had not yet seen in herself. Led to investigate herself more thoroughly, Henry realised her reflection was not hers but that of her parents.
“My children pointed out aspects of myself I had not yet resolved. My own unresolved issues with my parenting and seeing myself battling with the things (my parents did) that I said to myself I would not do. I had unconsciously picked up certain biases on how children were to be raised, with how we talk to our children, and being vulnerable with our children,” Henry confessed. “I had a lot of forgiving to do.”
Taariq is a visual artist, while Akino is a photographer/videographer. They both run an entertainment business together.
Henry became a single parent when her second son was six months old.
As her two boys gradually grew into adulthood, she recalled sensing how her role as a mother changed with time.
“It took a while for me to figure it out. I am no longer an authority figure over their bodies, making decisions on their behalf or for them. So, what does that mean for me as a mother? What is my role now? That was another challenge I had to work through,” Henry said.
To aid in traversing these uncharted waters, she took the initiative by educating herself through reading self-help books and books on parenting and the developmental stages of children.
“I have sons, and therefore, I had to come to terms with issues I had about men and patriarchy. I was very deliberate and intentional about who and the kind of male figures and role models I had exposed them to,” Henry said.
The reason for her specific measures in raising her sons this way arose from the bad experiences Henry had in dating men and the grievances she refused to take out on them. And though they’re adults, Henry said that the concern for their safety does not go away.
“You want to pass on certain values, but you want to leave room for them to be their own independent and critical thinkers,” Henry said.
As a certified sexologist and sex coach, Henry educates her clients on sex health and the ways they may go about enhancing intimacy with their partners and also with themselves. Although some may see her job as shameful or taboo, to Henry, it pleases her to be a helpful hand in uplifting the backbones of the nation’s families.
“Mothers in particular, we still carry a huge burden ... We still have to work, and then we’re taking care of our children and ourselves. And not having enough time for self-care and to rejuvenate,” Henry said.
Aside from not having enough time to reset, community support, according to Henry, is essential to mothers in safeguarding their mental health.
“What I think is missing is the support that allows mothers to have time to take care of themselves so that their cup is full and running over so they have enough extra to take care of others, in addition to taking care of themselves. So, for me, it is about seeing a lot of women who are overwhelmed, whose mental health is not in the best place because they’re doing so many things on their own; it’s more challenging as a single parent,” Henry said.
In her daily practice offering sex therapy and counselling to her clients, Henry has found that the high stress levels of running a household and ensuring the needs of others are fulfilled can adversely affect the physical intimacy women have with their partners. It is this constant sense of having to survive that “shuts down” a woman’s body from engaging in romantic activities.
“Moms need self-care and community care. She needs time away from all the responsibilities of work and home life so that she can be in touch with herself. For me, it shows up in that part of their life when there is that lack of intimacy, lack of connecting on an erotic and sexual level with their partners, just because life is overwhelming,” Henry said.
And while mothers must have community support, their husbands and boyfriends also need to step up in communicating with their loved ones about what’s missing for their physical and mental well-being.
“I think men need to actually sit down and have that conversation with their female partners about what they need to feel nourished and what kind of help would make the whole job and role of motherhood easier for them. [Men] managing those household responsibilities, like coming home and meeting your house cleaned up and food prepared ... it is very sexy. It’s a big turn-on,” Henry laughed.
When asked what her message would be to the nation’s mothers, Henry reiterated the invaluable importance of community support and time devoted to self.
“You need to have your tribe, folks who have your back, looking out for you. And who are also doing some of the work of ‘screening’ the people you’re bringing into your life. People can present really well in the beginning, sometimes people present so well that you’re not going to pick up on those red flags before it is too late. Trust your intuition, never do this alone,” Henry advised.
Onika Henry resides in Signal Hill, Tobago where she continues to champion the needs of mothers so that they may show up as their most authentic selves for themselves and others.
She is the founder of O’Henry Consultancy Services Ltd. For mothers and women without children, she recommends these books for learning more about accessing the full extent of pleasure: The Arts of Seduction by Seema Anand, and Aphrodisiac: The Herbal Path to Healthy Sexual Fulfillment and Vital Living by Kimberly Gallagher.